I'm So Imperfect

I'm so incomplete
Like a half written story
With a deep plot, but no growth
Like butter with no toast.
Like a cold drink, a wooden table and no coast.
I'm so imperfect
Like a constant writer
Who often falls short for words
.
.
.
.
.
Ew....
A broken mirror with half written words.
Showing part of the truth
With a incomplete message of all importance
Transparent but dust makes it shifty
Sometimes content
Sometimes worn
Always feeling.
.
.
.
.
.
I'm just not feelin it...

That word I want to use

There has been so many times that I've wanted to use that word
To say it and have a personal meaning like b4
For all the times we've headbutted each other
For all the times you've made me laugh
For every time you said I kicked you out of the bed
I just want to use that word like everybody else
I want you to be here to claim your title
To wear your crown
Many can try but never replace you
They say I'd make you proud and it makes me cry every time
I know you wouldn't want me to
But I never thought that the dictionary in my head
would have that definition erased.
It was stuck in my silly little head
That I could call to you anytime and you'd be here to answer forever
So instead I hold onto my little bit of ignorance
And at night when I go to bed
When everything is dark and as quiet as ever
I whisper: Goodnight Daddy

Thoughts of the hopeless

So again here I am and i may or may not end up writing a poem about this. I'm not venting this time, but just writing how I feel... Somewhat. So today I had class. English and humanities and I went downtown. Everything was kool and I played handball. I felt alive and good once I got back into my flow. Its been so long since I've played and I was really shitty at first. But I kept playin and got better. Well started almost playin how I used to. So I see a few people I haven't seen in awhile and meet up with a friend. I asked him and he read to me the comments my professor left on my english paper and I don't know why, but I just got like... really sensitive over it. I usually feel so great after playing handball, but I don't remember feeling that usual high. Just the before sore tiredness right now. Things just feel so different. On my paper I don't know why, but all those comments that I couldn't read (kuz I suck at reading script) made me so damn touchy. I'm usually very open to critisim... well more open then I think I actually should b. Somebody says lets change this and I usually shrug my shoulders and say ok. I hate when ppl want me to expand on things. And I really don't know why what was said on that paper made me so angry kuz in all actuality I didn't even think it was understandable with me writing it at 4 in the morning and all. But I feel like I have to do the whole paper over... Like everything I've been doing so far was nothing. I didn't feel hollow but a different kind of empty and for a while all ambitions left me. It actually felt like I had a wall guarding the fact that I had none and didn't want to do anything and for a second that wall broke. Forcing me to feel that I actually don't want to do anything. I don't want to write in my future. Nor make music or games. Or even play them. I don't want to help people with their personal problems so I'm lost as to what I'm doing in college. I have no goal, but to just finish. It isn't like high school where I can just barely get by and finish it. I have to have a focus and whatnot now. I don't want to focus on anything. I don't even have a clue as to what to focus on. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of school and all the things it asks of me. Yes. Very tired. I don't care that I have it easy compared to most ppl anymore. Let me just be tired. Stop comparing me. If I wasn't so hellbent on not crying before anyone I would right now. I had always said that I just need to get through school so I can do what I need to do, but I don't even know what that is anymore. Its bad enough I can't focus when I have my incentive, but how will I do it when I have none. And another thing... I have almost always tried my best. I have always tried to make it seem like I didn't do as good as I could so doing better is not an option 4 me. I'm just not feeling things today... I have no idea why I feel like this, but I'm a bit scared.

And so I'm sitting

I'm in this hard wood chair
In this hard wood room that I've stumped mt toe on on more than one occasion.
And I can't think of a damned word to write but these now
And it irritates me
How I can only write when I get the need to
When that sensation overwhelms me
Mostly when I have no way to jot down the thoughts
Which annoys me to no end
Why does it seem like whenever I try I can't
So Imma keep kickin out thoughts till one kicks me back
Because I'm not please with myself.
Its not that there's lack of inspiration
But that I'm dullin too much to notice.
So who am I going to blame?
No one?
The fact that this is no ones fault stays in my mind
But it doesn't feel right not blaming no one for this trash
Seeping through the tip of my fingers
On this key board
In my pencil
Through my nerves that transport thoughts if they do.
In my mind
With no purpose in mind.
In thought or even in this realm
School telling me that there's a process to writing
Which I somehow ignore every time I put words to some paper or screen.
Writers keep their purpose in mind
Keep the audience in mind
Keep their word choice in mind
Keep their tone in mind
But I do none of that
So is it that I'm not a writer or someone is lying?
Is there some type of exception that I don't know about but seem to be apart of?
Maybe, but hey, since when do I like to follow people
This isn't the first and no where near the last
but just a process I guess.
And not some purpose, tone minding writer
but my own
Crazy, unbalanced and personal.

Warning: Don't mess with the natural order!!!

Ok... This post is me venting... Kuz PPL is messin with the order of things.

Ok... So I get up yesterday after being up for awhile and I might have been on the computer I hear a knock on my door. My cousin gets it and my brother is there(The youngest of them all.) He comes in the house right when my cousin decides(First time I spelled that right on the first try) that she wants to make waffles. I love waffles like life itself. But that was only two little waffles(With my little mix of chocolate thx to a certain teacher for putting me back on my rightful path of chocolate syrup) meaning that was only gonna hold me for so long. Later on in the day I get hungry again, but I was fine because I remember that mommy cooked chicken the night before that. Mmmm chicken. So here I was looking forward to some good chicken and a little of the stuff from that night's adventure only to find my fridge empty of the desired treasures. I blink a few times and close the fridge and open it again hoping that i was just buggin. I open it again only to see that indeed there was no food left. This time I stand in front of the fridge with the door open and ponder how this could be. There's always leftovers... Always. Then I think two extra big fat asses ate with us that night and with my crushed little self I sank back into my computer chair wondering what it was that I was going to eat. As time passed I kept going into the kitchen and like all ppl that live in this hood I opened the fridge every time hoping to see something new. Something quick and good to eat. Yes we have other stuff in there but nothing really.... really...instant. We've run out of noodles sadly. It is summer and my stomach acts up plus with the monthly friend right under me my options were limited. Mad that I had no quick food I start yelling(to no one in particular since the criminals were no where near the crime scene) about chicken. And my cousin goes, "Oh you was lookin for the chicken? You should of told me." I instantly started glowing. If someone told me to go to anyone of the many religious places that there are to pray I might of actually said yes at that moment.(I have nothing against religion and there place of worship I just stay away most of the time) She(my cousin) Walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge and showed me this huge piece of aluminum foil. By that time I felt like a starved orphan that had been deprived of food for a week. I opened it so hopeful and grateful that there was a little left from these beast here only to find that that huge piece of foil contained the smallest piece of chicken. I was a little upset but ate it none the less. I was starving so I ate it cold(I felt sorry for the chicken after the deed was done. Poor chicken) But you know what caught me? There was a chicken bone attached to the chicken.. Well less like attached and more like smashed together with the chicken(before I ate it.. I skipped a part) which I quizzed my cousin on. Her only response was, "That's all you're brother left. He said he didn't want it anymore." Then I took some kool aid from that night that I made and got full off of kool aid. I was curled up on my bed starving because I was too hungry to move. My mother finally cooked after getting mad at me for being hungry kuz I could of cooked... Like I could stand straight long enough to set it up. Anywho she finally cooked and I ate and felt so goooood. After the food was put up I relaxed a bit as I thought about how good that would be to eat for lunch the next day. My mother made these type of noodles just the way I like em(which I forgot was up there or else she might of had to cook something else) She barely makes those noodles for me tho. So My brother comes over again and I told that fat bastard not to eat up the food. Not like the fucker listens but I didn't really think about it. So I wake up this mornin(My last day of freedom since I start skool 2morrow) to my cousin who made breakfast... It was kinda like breakfast in bed. I love her at times. So after I get up to take my dishes into the kitchen I check the fridge to make sure that all way is order for later for my mid day snack. I am a fat ass yes, but I limit myself to only eat things that wouldn't stop other people from being fat ass. Mainly I eat my own CLAIMED food. I felt insulted to see that opps his big ass done did it again. He was seriously fukkin with the order of things. He don't live here. So now I have my idea... Imma make my plate for the next day the same time as the first for that night. And if he eat my food again Imma stab him in his damned ankle with the blade that I showed him. I may be going through a little emotional stride, but I don't care because either way he is still messin with the order of my fat assery and I don't like it....

Quote: "Samantha you're fat." I stop and look the idiot up and down as I reply, "Yea. So? I don't care because when I die they're not gonna put me on a scale and say that if I'm over 200lbs then I'm going to hell... Besides, I'm going to hell anyway."

mary Kay

Mary Kay

Men Among Theives To Thoughts Among Dreams

Looking over your words I can't help but be moved to thought as you talk about those who moved you one way and then went another. I want to convince you that I'm not like that because I am a friend that cares, but you are a bit more important to me than you should be. I am young and still discovering myself and emotions. I may seem as if I get things so clearly, but problems are always easier to solve when they're not yours. I understand math more than I understand myself but in the back of my mind at night I say all the things to you that I'm too scared to say in the light. You seem so much more put together than myself and I feel as if I should take a step back to get your whole picture. Its hard to step in now or at all with out jumping to far and I can't save you because it may come off another way. I like not trying to save me and maybe you from being hurt. Sad that things seem easier that way. Too bad that it's not...maybe. I hate when your upset and it drives me mad when people make you want to stay to yourself because you say some insightful shit. Just remember that I'm only here to listen when you want to talk and fuck ppl up when they piss you off.

I love this poem

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
( David Romano )


When tomorrow starts without me
and I'm not here to see...
If the sun should rise and find your
eyes filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today...
While thinking of the many things
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you...
And each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me, too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand...
That Jesus came and called my name
and took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready
in heaven far above...
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart...
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.

Something More

So I'm sitting up at 2:59 in the morning feeling all the things I chose to ignore all because I woke up to a song that damn near makes me cry. Its called Something More by Patti LaBelle and the song by itself is a really strong song and I can't seem to figure out what the something more that she want is. But I guess that's because I'm too young to know. And that picks at my mind. At first I tried to go back to sleep as I always do when I first get up. Especially at 2:30 in the morning. I figured out that, that wasn't going to happen so I pressed play on my phone and in this silent night The words:
You're sweet, I crave your touch
We make good love
But sometimes that's not enough
Even though you're good to me
And another woman would settle for less
There's something I must confess

And I know its a strange song to remind me of this but it reminds me of my father, but not really him. But it reminds me of the day I went to his grave. I missed the funeral and all that because I found out that he passed about a week later after he actually did. So Me, my mother and my Aunt sister went to the gave later. I don't really remember when, but it was back when my mother had the car and she had my favorite... Our favorite Patti LaBelle CD, Timeless Journey. And being one of my favorite songs I went to play it while we were driving through looking for the right stone with his name on it.(Turns out he didn't have one. Just a indent in the dirt with a whole bunch of roses in it. I wonder who was there?) But as the song started to play and I sat back and started to relax my Aunt turned it off and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why. I think my mother was already out of the car before I even turned the music on, but my Aunt told me that my mother couldn't listen to Patti LaBelle then. That it reminded her of my father, but I though she was talking about that song specifically and it confused the hell outta me, but now it doesn't really. Then I didn't know what something more meant which made me flat out think that she wasn't happy with him so I sat back and lay down in the back seat waiting to get out and search again. But now I think if something more means marriage then I'm perfectly fine with her attaching him to that song. I don't know why they didn't. I think I know, but I was always happy with the way things were and never really asked questions. Which is pretty much why I'm disconnected from his side of the family completely. I never really had that big gaping hole feeling, but I did hate doing the family tree project. I have no way of finding out anything about them. The only person that connected me to my father(Other than himself) Was my brother Raymond who disappeared off the fucking earth the night he told me my father died. I though he went upstate or to Washington(I can't remember which) like he said he was because he was pissed about the way decisions were made about our father and that he had no say. Like two three years later I get a call in the middle of class from my mother and she puts him on the phone. I cry while I'm on the phone and leave school. I think. I don't really remember. I just know I got home and he told me how he found me.(He knew where my uncle lives... The place that's now gone) So he says that he's now gonna be in my life. I text him all the time especially during class. Found out he was upstate making a family. My one nephew that I met turned into 3 more nieces who I spoke to over the phone.(They sound so cute) And he was in my life... for like 4 months then his phone is off. Then he calls me back a few months later telling me that he had lost his phone, which is ok. It happens and this time it was a month. And as far as I'm concerned now he can go fuck himself. I'll curse him out if I ever see him again. He might hit me...Sike! My father never even hit me. Now I can get why recently he hasn't called me... He'll get some spanish ladi... My number changed, but he knows exactly where I live. I don't think I'll ever see him again and part of me is perfectly fine with that. Funny how I was extremely sad while writing the beginning... Now I'm just sorta pissed off. I went from listening to Something More- Patti LaBelle to Scary Movies- Eminem. Gotta love life :)

quote: "Someone isn't around? Consider them unlucky."

My day

So... my day was the oddest mixture of hell and a bit of heaven. Well the day just started off as most do now... My post right before this was part of that morning. But as it progressed I found out a few things. Hopefully passed a class and got some clothes. Thank you for clothes. I needed some... Anyway. I also got a kiss on the cheek from a crush today. I could always tell people I wasn't crushin on this person, but I told some one today after that. I couldn't help it. The smile was there and I was so damn happy. And it wasn't a little thing of interest. It was practically nothing to them because that's the type of person they are but to me it completely offset my attitude. The smile that came over my face was I don't know. But I think that its like the second time I will ever admit that I blushed. Hope they didn't notice. The other time was pretty much the same situation with another crush. And that was the first time either of them had done that so I guess that's why the smile was there. Geez... I hate crushes... All they do is make you smile all the time to no end accomplishing no goal... Even though to them and in some ways to me it wasn't a big thing... meaning it was virtually nothing it still made me just a bit happier... Ok maybe a lot. :D And I found two songs I've been looking for since forever.... ok.. not that long... maybe like two months ago. Oh and I have another crush :-P I think... I wonder what's the difference in a crush and... Nevermind... Too damn complicated. Besides everything doesn't need a category. They're just somebody I think I like. OH! And my favorite line of today is, "Hey. You're gonna be an Aunt." Like I'm already not of 11... Guess that's being made even. Interesting.

Quote: "I don't smile because I'm happy. I smile because I have no idea what's going on."

My thoughts....again

So I'm here sitting home in front of my computer when I know damn well I should be in school and for the first time I might actually not go to school from me staying home and just not going(While I'm well awake anyway.)Going to school has become one of the hardest things ever. Its even harder than doing the work they give out there. I had so much to do today. But I just got a text message saying if I don't go I will fail. Even though if I leave out now I will have missed all my classes and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get into the building, but I can't fail now. It would just be stupid...

Quote: "Cry in the rain so no one knows."

I hate depressing quotes.

"Although its but a dream, but in dreams are where the nevers are found."

"If I lose my musiq 2dai I will cry.... pray 4 me lol... And those around me.

Annoying

So doing and taking part in normal day actions has become harder and more boring by the day. Even writing has become something distant. Most of the times I don't feel like playing games. And that is a problem. It is becoming difficult to entertain myself. I do dumb things when I'm bored so this is not only my problem. Its yours too... I tend to mess with people and their stuff. So help me stay occupied or prepare to be annoyed. And I can be very annoying.

The talented one

I was reading up on my friend's blog and I happen to read one of the poems she wrote. I like it so much that I have to link it on my blog :) Its AJ

My thoughts

Today since I've noticed that there was alot of talk on our random scanning I figured I should write about it. And I was... But while I was looking up some things on it I came across some information concerning the educational system all together. I was debating what I was going to write about so I think I'm just going to pick one statement from each thing that I wanted to comment on and write one comment on it. But this one statement made me soo mad that my hands are literately shaking. I think I'm shaking.
This is the statement: "Many education experts say that until teacher quality improves in urban schools, student performance is likely to stagnate and the achievement gap between white and minority students will never be closed." Taken from the New York Times.(New york Measuring Teachers by Test Scores by JENNIFER MEDINA)
My first comment on this is..."This is bullshit." As soon as I read this I had to say something on it. The other articles was like, "yeah, I think I'm going to come back to this." Not with this one. I can't believe people actually believe that. I know a lot of students tend to get mad at teacher when they don't get their shit done, but even they know that's their own fault. And honestly that didn't even start until I got to High School. There was both failures and successes that came out of my school and we all had the same teachers. I'm in a urban area. My area is one of the top 5 areas that most people in Rikers comes from. I had damn good teachers and the reason why some students didn't get out either when they was supposed to or at all was because of them or their own personal problems. I don't believe that the teachers need to do better. I mean really, they don't even get paid a lot(as much as I think they should) and people want them to work as hard as they do. (Don't get me wrong people I don't like teachers) But I am all around fair and if the quality of anything needs to improve its the school itself. Not just it's teachers. Students need to step up too. And yes there are some teachers that need to up their game but most of the teachers that I've come by (hence on the... Very strong hence on the most) are good teachers. Maybe I'm lucky.

Oh,There's this other article that is talking about giving teachers pay and tenures based on how their students do on test plain and simply. And they're also going to use something called micro-targeting. You look it up and let me know. This next statement would hurt if I was one of the people it's talking about, "The Mayor and Chancellor see teachers as the biggest impediment to their reforms. Naturally, they’d want to weed out the biggest potential critics as well as those who are merely ineffective.” NO KOMMENT...

....Talk about your parody....LMAO

Random part from a random story that doesn't exist

Krystal enters the room looking nervously around hoping that nobody questioned her about why she’s there. The lights were bright and blinking. There were two women in peach uniforms sitting behind the desk having a ghetto looking conversation. She kept her head down going to her seat to get her stuff in order while closely listening to their conversation. She dug in her bag and started to search through her things as her phone rang. She jumped a little and trembled as she hurriedly got her phone. She quietly answered it with a shaky, “Hello?” She looked down at her black and red scuffed up Jordans. She listened to the voice on the other end of the phone very carefully as her friend questioned her about her location, well being and other things of that nature. Krystal gave her quick easy answers to draw attention from what she was doing and where she was going. She ushered her friend off the phone and when back to getting her things in order. She quickly turned to the door as it opened.

This pale girl stepped through the door with more bags than she can carry. Krystal watched her as she walked towards the ladies having their conversation. They both looked at her. They’re faces saying two opposite stories about the same event. One girl had a face that was very pleasant and welcoming, showing no sign of annoyance at the pause in the conversation. The other however had the look of an enraged father looking his only daughter’s boyfriend caught by surprise in her room. She drew her attention away from them just in time to catch the papers that was about to fall to the floor from her lap. While arranging her things Krystal noticed that she had finally gathered all the papers she needed. Krystal stood fixing her shirt that had somehow risen. She walked over to the ladies behind the desk and began to get everything straight about who she was going to be seeing and when. She looked at the clock on her phone, hopefully soon she thought.

At school workin mi ways

So today was ok... I was good until I got bothered about my "electronic devices" Its so annoying. I hate school when somebody brings up the term "electronic devices" because they only use that term when they want you to put it away. I put it away and really got into a bitchy mood. I finally got to listen to this song again. I don't know why I like this song... Because its sick.., but it sounds nice... well the chorus does. But Im in a little bit of a better mood now. I found a site to watch videos in school ^^. And I'm also happy because it has the song Mi Love said was from her to me. :D I ish happeh now. Now i can tolerate people. Before i listened to music.. well these two songs I wanted to be left alone... I didn't want to be bothered. But Music just made me feel so much better. Love the music... cherish the music! :D Kuz without music I'd kill you :D lol... just almost playin

Just A Thought

I've been thinking....
Our president is poppin...
But I'm not saying that because of what I think of him...
No sir... But because of how people are reacting to him.

I knew he was poppin when people in the hood was talkin about him without negativity.
government.... in a positive light. I knew he was poppin when they made a rap song showing some hope for politics. I honestly knew he was poppin when the hood chinese restaurant had a picture of him and his family up on the glass that you order from. He has Jehovah's Witness's talkin bout, "I really hope he can change it like he says." My sister got mad at Usher for stealing her idea for getting people to go out and vote for him.

My thoughts on him are the same but its nice to see people's reaction to him... There has been a change in saying, "The president is iight'" Before you got into a fight because nobody liked our old president and associating him with anything non-hateful would get you shot. Now saying "The president is iight'" will get you into a fight because people think he's way more than just that.

Quote: All expecting the unexpected does is make you a spaced out highly paranoid individual. Plus if your expecting the unexpected doesn't that turn the unexpected into the expected... making the term void...I could go in more but, I'm lazy ad tired.

I'm soo tired

This i going to be an odd post...

I'm tired....
I'm tired of being tired all day.
I'm tired of not knowing why.
I'm tired of not knowing.
I'm tired of me waiting to write.
I'm tired of police harassing my friends.
I'm tired of feeling like I have no time.
Then I'm tired of myself for doing nothing with my time.
I'm tired of not expressing myself correctly.
I'm tired of doubting.
I'm tired of wishing.
I'm tired of waiting.
I'm tired or needing.
And I'm tired of wanting.

Quote: "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."

After these days....

Lately I've been having odd dreams or nightmares. In the dream today it was kind of a manhunt setting except I wasn't alone. We had killed and alluded a few people and I was instructed by a boy that because I was quick that I shouldn't hide in the closet because they would catch me in there. Then we had a conversation about james patterson book, which I believe came from a conversation last night. This was right before we proceeded quietly up metal stairs to a door that led to the next room. Sadly I felt that something was going to happen and didn't voice that thought until after i started to run back. I fell back of course and kept going down the stairs only to look up and see my friend turn around but be blown up and few other people or pieces of people fly off the top of the stairs. Odd things is that I laughed when i wrote that. ANY way. I ran back as fast as I could for I knew the storm of savage killers would storm through any minute. I ran inside the closet and climbed to the top after shutting the door. I was the last one left and I really didn't have time to think about that seeming as how I was wondering how to get past the hundreds of people trying to kill me. As time passed I sat there until it was extremely quiet and then got myself down. I decided I had to sneak past them all and kill as many as possible to survive, but as soon as I poked my head out the door with a gun in my hand ready to shoot any and everybody there stood a lady that look like this lady named Valarie from my school. Now as pretty as she is, in that dream she looked scary and crazy as she smiled and shook her head no as if to say bad move as she moved towards me with a cake in her hand. It hand pink frosting and looked like a birthday cake for a little girl but somehow I knew it was a bomb. I initially tried to shoot her but all that came out was little bubbles that looked like spit. I had to come to terms with death in a dream... It was either be killed by her bomb or be killed by the mass amount of killers who would rampage this area shortly after. So I sat next to her... and for the first time I tried to wake myself up(half assly) and failed. Good thing I don't know what it's like to be blown up or that might have hurt. And that's one of the more subtle dreams. Then theres the actual nightmare where thoughts in the back of my mind come to surface and i feel everything and I wake up shaking. The bad thing about this nightmare is that when I wake up it feels like theres some one behind me. Even when I have nothing on my bed. Thats the main part that bothers me and I don't know if thats common. But then I have other odd dreams... none is coming to mind atm but they're weird. I remember I had a dream that forced me to believe in myself... or pushed to into a corner. I don't really know the difference in that one. You tell me. Ok so this is wat it was...: I was trapped in a invisible box inside an empty store. Now I hate being trapped somewhere. I don't like being forced to do or not do something. So I struggled and struggled and struggles until I broke out of the box by pushing past the wall. I think it had to do with a mixture of me realizing it was a dream and I have power over my thought(which I struggle with some times...more at that point) and...yea.. that lol. But I finally pushed past it and felt free. I started jumping on rooftops and flying. All at night... That was one of my favorite dreams. :D.... Ok thats enough about dreams...

Quote: All things pass.. so make sure they know and remember your damn name.

I'm trapped or imprisoned
by these doors and 4 walls.
And I'm limited by these limitations
Set forth by someone or something unknown
When I'm up I walk
And when I'm sleep I fly
When I doze I see
And when I wake I'm blind
You see cause I can draw up people
And when I dream make them come to life

Where I'm From

I'm from the place of oodles of noodles
The place of Skelly courts and handball
Basketball sounds is my alarm clock
The police is the snooze button
RnB rap reggae and soca dress me in the morning.
Manhattan skylines are out my window.
Close as if I can touch them in the morning as the sun rises over the buildings.
Walk in to the kitchen I see walls that reflect every house in the building
I smell bacon emerging from the microwave as I look into the home of kool-aid
I enter the living room of generations
To blast the same song that echos through everyone ears in every house
I walk back into my kitchen
And look back in my fridge as if hoping to see something new.
I leave my house and get in the elevator with each floor being a different smell
Fried chicken, curry, ribs, fish,  macaroni and cheese... so many
Step out a broken metal door with a magnet that don't work.
See the area that looks like a mini family reunion
Little kids running around. Parents yelling to get their point across.
Older kids running police following. Onlookers being nosy.
See the same group of people that you  hang out with every so often. 
Its night time and you feel the wind picking up
You watch those sexy figures pushing and shoving playing basketball.
Well Some sexy and some you just wonder why. Can't help it
You feel the vibrations in the air from all the moving on the ground.
You hear echos of a fight breaking out
Already expecting to hear rings in your ear.
Just move to the next basketball court or sneak in and out of the fight area
Whichever happens you still get a good show.
Meet up with your friends, hang out some more.
Get tired spilt your ways and go in the house
The window becomes your eyes and ears to the live hood
Whatever happens, happens and you go to sleep to wake up and do it again.

~The Prexous Dark Diamond Angel~
~Angels Sit On Klouds~ But not this one

second chances

I've been given a chance
And then another one
And I can't understand why
I'm telling them I'm not ready
I let them know that I can't
There's disappointment in these fingers
And this mind won't make you proud
So please stop with this faith
That I don't understand
And stop with this trust
That I haven't earned


Its too early to be writing lol. I just woke up and this was the first thing that came to my mind.(And yes I get up play my game in my room and then get on the computer) Its a habit :-P But it really is too early. I didn't expext to wake up at this time. I'm so shocked lol.... Latre People

How easy would it be to disappear
Could I tuck my head in between my legs
And pray to turn invisible
Could I stick my head underground
giving me the feeling that i'm in the dark
and my body doesn't exist
could I sit in one spot long enough
Till people forget I'm there
They disregard me already
So what the hell are they looking for when they see me
What do they hope to gain when I speak
I'm already invisible to them so why don't they just completely act like it
I'm only seen when they want something
What the hell are they searching for?
And seems like invisible people have all the answers
because we have invisible words
which people shape to be whatever it is that they want to hear
And then your slapped with the fact that...
Its not easy to disappear.....

my question is: what the fuck did I do? i really wish they would tell me kuz this shyt aint fair.

older things

I wanna tell but looks deceive
I wanna act but fears proceed
I'm lookin back all eyes on me
I'm nervous and bittin on my sleeve
I'm skippin service no rights for me
And I'm tryna change waiting patiently
But its still the same so I try to leave
So I takin all the blame till I leave finally

A past journal entry

I have a lot on my mind lately. They're causing me to have a lot of strange feelings and its kind of leaving me lost. And its weird when you feel strangely about something that most people don't know about or care about. Now I have to learn about the Asia-Africa relationships. I want to know how they are towards each other in general. Like I already figured that America has no friends , only allies. They mutual relationships with people and they wont help unless its it benefits them. I also figured out from talking to my sista that even if we stayed together as Pangea we would still be class divided. Maybe we'd be without all the slave stuff, but we would still end up somewhat like this. We'd all just be a lot closer. I mean there would be some big differences but the main class thing is given. We figured that one must win and one must lose. One must be rich and one below. Equality can not be. When people say they want something most of the time they don't mean it for it's full meaning. If people want to make everything equal we'll be running around with a bunch of retarded people because technology isn't advanced to make everyone smart. It's quiet sad really. For people to go around saying that my generation isn't smart people as a whole arent that bright either. But putting all that aside... Well not all of it but most of it. But the whole race thing is just enough to make me start to cry. I mean its like being.... no its just that. Your being taught something all your life and then you find out it was all based on something just to put you under. Or to be told that it actually doesn't exist. "Thats madd brazy" And these are just the really general things going through my mind. Wow I'm saying this...well writing this like this is an actual person. Well it is in a way. Is a book meaningless if nobody reads it? So all it is, is a message holder. A way to say words without actally saying them. I smile when I think of that.

Wow...Looking back on the things I wrote years ago makes me think... I used to think about these things? I guess I was involved in more things then. Now all I think about is the massive amount of work I didn't do..shoulda did and have to do. I haven't been having those conversations with my sistas that talk about life and society in some deeper meaning. All I've been doing is sitting for hours trying to do work, but not getting any done because I see how much I actually have to do.

thoughts at 1:27-49 in the mornin

At this point and time I have so many things going through my head. I amaze myself at how much I think about conversations I've had and what I get from them. As usual I wont be writing the main things things I want to write about because I never work that way but I am going to write about something important in my head. I've said it in my head a lot and maybe a little out loud to myself but...hmm I just lost how I was going to word it. But I know that things I'd rather not think about keep popping into my head. And when I think about it I'm reminded why I always kept to myself. I'm more open that I'd like to be and I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep to myself. That is a problem for me. I'd rather not speak and I wish from the pit of everything that I hold dear that I was a quiet person. I wish....I wish that I could change a lot of things about myself but it's not gonna happen. Sometimes I just want to sleep forever but its not that I want to die just that I don't want to think. I don't wanna remember and I don't wanna talk. At times I feel like I'm just taking up space. Ah... I should of went to sleep earlier because I'm tired now.

Quote: Life is like school...It test you over and over.

Hiru No Tsuki

This is a song from my past. And it makes me cry when I hear it in English and just get silent when in Japanese. Its so beautiful. The English text to text translation is beautiful as well. There's a different translation from text to text and from song to song. The song is called Hiru No Tsuki or Melfina's song from an anime called Outlaw Star.

In Romaji its(just the Outlaw star ending):

Oto no nai mahiru
Kaze wa tada akarui
Sukoshi nemutasou ni
Hanabira ga yureta
Nani ge nai kono omoi
Nee, hito wa donna kotoba de
Yondeiru no
Shiroi suna no tsuki
Toji kometa hanashi o
Hikari furasu you ni
Kikasete ne sotto

And translated its:

One soundless midday
The wind was fresh and clean
And the flower petals
Swayed as if they were asleep
This serene feeling...
Tell me what's the name people give it?
Tell me a story
That's locked away
In the white sand of the moon
Let me hear it as gently
As light shining down.

And when she sings it, it goes:

I don't know
What words I can say
The wind has a way
to talk to me

Flowers sleep
a silent lullaby
I pray for reply
I'm ready

Quiet days
Calms me
Oh serenity
Someone please
tell me
hmmmmmm
what it is they say
Maybe I will know one day

I don't know
What words I can say
The wind has a way
to talk to me

Flowers sleep
a silent lullaby
I pray for reply
I'm ready

I was odd

I wanna write something.
And not just anything,
But something that says something meaningful.
I want heart rates to speed up at my work.
And I wanna give life to my ink
so my paper becomes life itself.
I wanna see the words inbetween the words
and I want others to understand them.
I want the pulse to echo echo
Like thunder at night time while your sitting in the car
and paranoia picks at the back of your mind about the road ahead.
And I want you to think of my words.
I want them to play through your mind
Till they spill out of your mouth by accident
but surface to other minds on purpose.
And I want truth in my lines.
Maybe not for me but for you
Kuz me writing this I realize
And its ok stuck in my mind
but it doesn't do a thing ringing off my walls.
So speak when not spoken to
Listen when they aren't speaking
And act when out of place
kuz that's where the attention is

The Dayz

Today I'm pissing millions of people off one after the other and I'm enjoying myself. I'm in a good mood. And now I'm doing my work so people calm down. Yesterday I role played and my friend watched and it was fun. It was good as well because she gave me ideas on what to write.

Kitty: Ichira: *smiles weakly*...Y-yeah...:Ketsueki: *walks back with two dead demons over his shoulder*...*blinks* "You girls look comphy." *smiles* :Haitori: *sleeping*...ZzZz...@_@
Angel: Midori looks at him, "We're gonna eat a demon?!....as long as I don't sick. Your carring me if I do." Midori gets up and lays Haitori down and walks by kage and pokes the dead demon. Duran looks at Ichira, "I wonder what they're up to"
Kitty :Ketsueki: *sets the demons down and laughes abit* "We eat em in our village all the time don't worry." :Ichira: "Well if he's trying to win her over...food will definitly do from what I know..." *blinks*

Angel: Duran laughs a bit as well. "Food is the key to everything." Midori looks at him and rubs her stomach.."OK...I'll take your word for it." She smiles.

Just my fingers moving

I just feel like typing. Its a lovely feeling. I think its partly because of the song I'm listening to. Its called "Only one way up" The beat to this song is sooooo poppin its krazy! Its just makin me wanna write. I just feel oddly happy. I don't even know what I'm happy about. I have a good feeling, but it's odd. It feels like something is going to happen. Not something good but not something bad either. I think its going to be something I'm satisfied with. I feel like I need to write, but I don't know what I need to write about. Like I just need to keep typing. It just feels good. Like the first time I got my computer and was able to type on it without my hand cramping. I just feel odd. If i saw somebodi that was acting how i feel on any other dai I might be disgusted. I find this very funny. I have the type of speed with typing like when I'm having a conversation with people. Maybe faster since I'm messing up as much as I am. I wrote that sentence without messing up. Not this one tho. I felt proud of myself for a short moment. I think Imma stop, but oddly I don't wanna. Its not really odd but I like that word at the moment since it sums me up at the moment. I need to type more and this is sad because it's the one time when I don't know what to write about. This is making me laugh on the inside. Ha Ha. I need to find something to write my geez. Its funny I don't feel creative in any way but just like I need to type.

Another day of looking pt.8

Well I think I'm liking how some things are turning out. This college stuff has been iggin me for awhile. Like really running my mind. I don't no how many days I've sat in front of my computer looking at the screen trying to do work. The day everything was due I actually felt good. I have to thank unsaid persons again, but it kind of felt good to actually get work done. After so many days of trying but doing nothing it felt good to do something. Then I thought it was done but it wasn't and again the looking at the screen again started. I'm lazy again. Oh Boi. Things have been kalmly quiet lately and I like it. I mean theres echoes around but the source is no where near me. It feels nice to only be able to write about normal aggravating things like college processes. I can smile that smile thats from somewhere inside me thats satisfied. That smile that you don't even feel yourself make. It's just nice and I'm in a good mood. Filled with emotions, but I'm still very pleasant for the moment.


Rap Quote: I'm ahead of you kuz I spit like I neva ate. And If I did I was never full.