Something More

So I'm sitting up at 2:59 in the morning feeling all the things I chose to ignore all because I woke up to a song that damn near makes me cry. Its called Something More by Patti LaBelle and the song by itself is a really strong song and I can't seem to figure out what the something more that she want is. But I guess that's because I'm too young to know. And that picks at my mind. At first I tried to go back to sleep as I always do when I first get up. Especially at 2:30 in the morning. I figured out that, that wasn't going to happen so I pressed play on my phone and in this silent night The words:
You're sweet, I crave your touch
We make good love
But sometimes that's not enough
Even though you're good to me
And another woman would settle for less
There's something I must confess

And I know its a strange song to remind me of this but it reminds me of my father, but not really him. But it reminds me of the day I went to his grave. I missed the funeral and all that because I found out that he passed about a week later after he actually did. So Me, my mother and my Aunt sister went to the gave later. I don't really remember when, but it was back when my mother had the car and she had my favorite... Our favorite Patti LaBelle CD, Timeless Journey. And being one of my favorite songs I went to play it while we were driving through looking for the right stone with his name on it.(Turns out he didn't have one. Just a indent in the dirt with a whole bunch of roses in it. I wonder who was there?) But as the song started to play and I sat back and started to relax my Aunt turned it off and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why. I think my mother was already out of the car before I even turned the music on, but my Aunt told me that my mother couldn't listen to Patti LaBelle then. That it reminded her of my father, but I though she was talking about that song specifically and it confused the hell outta me, but now it doesn't really. Then I didn't know what something more meant which made me flat out think that she wasn't happy with him so I sat back and lay down in the back seat waiting to get out and search again. But now I think if something more means marriage then I'm perfectly fine with her attaching him to that song. I don't know why they didn't. I think I know, but I was always happy with the way things were and never really asked questions. Which is pretty much why I'm disconnected from his side of the family completely. I never really had that big gaping hole feeling, but I did hate doing the family tree project. I have no way of finding out anything about them. The only person that connected me to my father(Other than himself) Was my brother Raymond who disappeared off the fucking earth the night he told me my father died. I though he went upstate or to Washington(I can't remember which) like he said he was because he was pissed about the way decisions were made about our father and that he had no say. Like two three years later I get a call in the middle of class from my mother and she puts him on the phone. I cry while I'm on the phone and leave school. I think. I don't really remember. I just know I got home and he told me how he found me.(He knew where my uncle lives... The place that's now gone) So he says that he's now gonna be in my life. I text him all the time especially during class. Found out he was upstate making a family. My one nephew that I met turned into 3 more nieces who I spoke to over the phone.(They sound so cute) And he was in my life... for like 4 months then his phone is off. Then he calls me back a few months later telling me that he had lost his phone, which is ok. It happens and this time it was a month. And as far as I'm concerned now he can go fuck himself. I'll curse him out if I ever see him again. He might hit me...Sike! My father never even hit me. Now I can get why recently he hasn't called me... He'll get some spanish ladi... My number changed, but he knows exactly where I live. I don't think I'll ever see him again and part of me is perfectly fine with that. Funny how I was extremely sad while writing the beginning... Now I'm just sorta pissed off. I went from listening to Something More- Patti LaBelle to Scary Movies- Eminem. Gotta love life :)

quote: "Someone isn't around? Consider them unlucky."