Monday, December 13, 2010

To Whom It May concern

The only thing I can say is sorry. I've been trying to do right by your faith in me...
Sadly I have failed. There isn't any excuse. I'm not even brave enough to say this to you. So I've left these words of apology in this. You invested in me and I couldn't even pay you back by using what you've given me. I'm angry at myself for disappointing you. I couldn't and can't focus. Its not meant to be a excuse for failing simply a fact of what is. I haven't bean able to for over a year now. I need to take a step back because I can't push forward anymore right now. So again I say sorry, but thank you so much. I'm extremely grateful for everything. Even if it doesn't seem like it.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Release

Oh man.
I just need to express something.
Doesn't have to be myself
Just something
I have that itch to write
and It has me jumpin in my seat
squirmin in my jeans
Grinnin through my teeth
I can see words leaving my hands
I can't read them nor do they make sense
I just see them
Like they need to be released
I keep lookin at my palms
Like those words are gonna imprint themselves on this screen(drop)
And what else can I do but listen to the sound of the keyboard
And(Rain) bob my head
This writin is lyrical
Musical
This shall be incomplete
because I feel incomplete
Needing to write, but havin no idea what to say
its like itchin somewhere, but not knowing where to scratch.
I needs me some worded release.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Night Time

It's heart beats under my feet.
I'm owing this street.
Mines to play with
Mine to beat.

Its always there; pulsing
Alive and loud.
Hectic and flowing.
Glowing.

Inviting the skyline to join it's rhyme
And its allure came with time
and who am I?
To deny myself this city grind

Its always here beckoning and calling
Its song playing my ears
while I peddle feeling it shift beneath me
Greedy

When I ache for that night life theme
pushed and pulled towards that nightclub scene
But I refuse
And enjoy this night time dream

This moon and this city is a rush
And I can't get over it
Not gonna let it slip away
Remaining a wanderer at night and a school girl by day

Friday, July 30, 2010

Saturday, July 3, 2010

A little glimpse of Crazy

I want someone to go, "Are you ok?"
So I can scream and blow up.
No im not ok!
I want to scream and cry.
Pull out my hair and laugh at the same time.
All of this hidden by a tired look.
Look into my eyes and you'll see this glimpse of crazy.
I want to bend something till it breaks before I do.
Im sleepy and im slippin.
I can't be bothered with spelling grammar.
I need to make my point across.
I am fucked up.
And I don't know how.
I'm confused and nothing makes sense.
My sense is senseless.
I feel like a painting of a collage.
Made to not fit together.
Almost but not quiet there.
And If I pull out anymore hair!
There will be more than a little glimpse of crazy to see.
I have issues.
Don't we all?
Yes you too. You little seemingly perfect bastard.
I hate you. Well me...
No no. Definitely you.
Well I don't hate you but im confused.
I said that earlier right?
These emotion... Can I break them?
Do they crumble?
Break apart like boulders.
Maybe not. They suck.
They all suck. Even the good ones.
They never last forever.
One thing does though...
This glimpse of crazy.
This crazy. It definitely does.
That sucks too...

Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Stupid Things

So I'm on youtube looking at a video of The L Word. For all who don't know it's a show about gay people. But anyway I'm looking at the video and for some unknown reason I decided to look at the comments. I don't know why I do. All they do is make me laugh and piss me off all at the same time. Two things I should never read comments on is certain rap music and gay things. For some reason those two topics tend to attract the attention of people that don't like it. I'm looking at the video of the L Word and in the comments is things about religion and how being gay is a sin yadda yadda. My question to these people is... by watching the video aren't you taking interest in it? Or something like that. I can't reli understand why someone would want to watch something just to comment badly on it. And the excuse, "I'm just trying to help you find god... or whatever." I'm so tired of it. I mean I can deal with the preaching on the train because I believe that as long as they reach at least one person then their goal is accomplished, but on a gay youtube video? I'm sure, "You being gay is a sin and your going to hell." Will make anyone just stop what they're doing and march back on the 'right path.' Yeah.... Like anything is being taken seriously on youtube comments. If you feel that strongly about it march into a LGBT place and tell them.

It just annoys me that people just can't leave other people alone. If they want to be gay and merri LET THEM. If they're not tryna grab your ass shutup and leave them be. It doesn't effect you in any harmful way. If you don't like the fairies heres a thought.... leave. Don't watch the video. Don't go on the site. Don't listen to the music. Don't eat the cake. No one is forcing anything on anyone. All these religions focus on love and happiness. Forgiveness too. And for some reason we can't even seem to get those basics down...

Friday, April 2, 2010

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Acapulco

Acapulco

This song is the summary of how how I feel at the moment. Very Laid back and calm. relaxed. It doesn't get at the tired part of me that's been taggin along this whole day, but that's fine. I'm really likin this song. Reminds me of this game named Yakuza. They play a song like this at one of the main bars you go to in the game. Very relaxing. I'd go to a place all the time if they played music like this. That just reminded me. I want to become a regular at a bar. Like the people you see on t.v shows where they're madd cool with their bartenders. But I don't drink so maybe Dave and Busters lol. Or some arcade. Or a lounge. I think I could pull that off. With a laptop and maybe my psp back awwwwww man! I'm in there. I need a hang out spot. Somewhere other than someone's house. It'll be interesting once I find one. For the days when the weather is too much to be outside. I have found my mission! :D

Thursday, February 18, 2010

This Anger

I clench my jaw and mind since I dare not my fist.
I feel this feeling swell within me.
It sometimes brings tears to the corner of my eyes.
Sometimes My fist do close and I have to calm myself.
I simply open and close them over and over as a smile attacks my face.
I need to hit something.
To punch someone.
To kick my bed railing into the familiar dent in my wall.
I need my physical escape that is becoming harder and harder to obtain.
Fights are no longer an option.
And sometimes I wish I were ignorant to the reasons to fight.
Wish I could go back to the point where a step on my shoe could get my fist swinging.
The wrong words could get you chocked.
And yes this may seem a bit brash
But everyone forgets...
I'm a very violent person.
And very few know of this because I've tamed most of my violent ways.
But with every time that I lose to this Anger and punch my computer screen
There is more moments when I just try to let it go for the moment.
And it builds.
I feel it.
Inside me ready to break at any. Given. Moment.
And I fear that moment.
I push it away and welcome it at the same time.
Like peeing on yourself.
An unwanted release.
Good for the moment, but bad every time after.
And things are becoming harder to control.
Missing due dates- A bit of my hair is pulled out.
Computer messes up- A slip of the tongue.
Spelling errors- I bite my lip
After awhile I see the results.
There is enough stranded hair by my keyboard to rival that on my head.
And the fact that its not something I'm aware of doing
frightens me as much as it angers me.
Failing to catch my hand in time I almost broke my screen.
Almost because I reduced my force.
And I love it and hate it at the same time.
Catching myself.
Calming myself.
Sometimes I just want to stay mad.
To punch something and break it.
To kick something and feel it crack.
But the Anger is always outweighed by the reality of things.
As that happens more and more over the years
I know its a good thing,
But I don't know if...
If.. I want that good thing to continue.

Can't write my paper but I can post wtf?

I just feel like writing about all the things that's bothering me at the moment and so I'm going to. First off this all started with Monday when my body decided that it didn't want to freakin sleep till 4 in the morning when I had to get up in time enough to be to class for 9:45. My school is not anywhere close. So I force myself to wake up and my body didn't even want to move. It felt like I crashed and I hate that. Then oddly I don't remember anymore of Tuesday. I think I came home and took a nap. Yes! I took a nap from about 2 to 4:30 and that is all I remember until I wake up tired on wednesday as well. How wonderful right? Well on wednesday I go to school to find out that I have two essays due 2day(which is the next day) I hadn't even seen one of the essays and so I'm like shit. What can ya do. I get home and check out the crap I have to do. Its not much just something I didn't want to find out last minute I had to do. Especially with my being so damned tired. I was too tired to freakin sleep! To tired to see. I hate being that tired. Its annoying when I need 2 do shit. And there was deff.. shit I needed to do. And now I'm getting pissed by every little thing. Well last night I figured that I probably wouldn't get any work done in that tired state(Its pissing me off how bad my spelling is.) So I took a risky step and went to sleep semi early and I say semi because it takes me fucking forever to fall asleep. I love it. So I was supposed to wake up early and I did, but then the migraine hits me. OOOO I shoulda seen that one coming. And so I finally get up around maybe 8 and begin(knowing I had to leave the house around 10) And My dumb ass couldn't get started on the paper until around 10. Two swift words and I left for school immediately. The more I started to think I was pissed. Mad for a few reasons. One that my 'friends' didn't tell me I had 2 papers due. The other reason was that my first reason, while i can be mad about it, was bull because its not their responsibility to tell me about that in the first place. So then I'm back to being mad at myself which causes all sorts of cute little thoughts in my head. And so now I'm mad that I'm stuck in my little way and that I have to get out of it. My biggest thing is that I'm a big baby and I have to change and I don't want to. I hate how things are set up and I only hate them because that system doesn't fit me. I'm lazy and I want things to be in my face because its easier then having to shuffle through all the shit its hidden behind and in between. And so now today I'm supposed to email the papers in which when I came home I had to write(Still fuckin tired btw) and I pulled up what I started and was again too tired to think of words. So I opted to take a 20 minute nap. Yippie! And now it's 10. That nap was at 6 going on 7. I love life. Especially since I still have a headache. Two papers to do and a pain in my chest. Freakin beautiful. I need handball in my life. And my mother's secret stash of no doze hehe. Or that 5 hour drink. That one's easier to find so I think I shall indulge in that.

-Later Days

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Jacket

There are many purposes for a jacket
There's many things they can be used for
Mostly to shield you from things
To shield your body from the cold
To shield friends from the truth
Much like hiding
To hide your laundry day shirt
To hide your actions
Was I hiding? Or was he hiding me?
Upholds a false image
To isolate us into groups
Hiding in plain sight
Covering your actions.
Their eyes hidden from my rejecting face
But one thing a jacket can't do
It doesn't protect
Shields breaks
Hidden things can be found
But protection... That's different
No holes. No cracks
The faults only in the protector and the protected.