Hunter

4:15

That's the time I got my ass in the house this morning. Yes yes I know that's way past when I was supposed to be home, but hell! When is the last time I've been to a Hunter party. It was good to see everybody again. Really good. I felt... missed and seen. I'd always considered them some type of family. Odd and goofy, but family none the less. I loved having to hide behind random people from friends who yelled my name right before they called me a bitch and other such names only to hug me tightly and tell me they miss me and yell at me when they ask me where I'd been.

It was nice to know that people noticed your absence. Even the cute girl who you never even knew she knew your name. But she did. And she yelled it... Loudly. And then hugged me. Yay. It was nice catching up with everyone. I've got to work on my answer to, "So, what have you been up to?" Because being black and saying staying out of trouble isn't really working for me. Well actually now that I think about it... It does. Since all we do is make race jokes. Meant to tell them about what DJ's kid told me the photo guy said. That would have been good times.

Even People in QSU noticed I was out. And I got to see my big little brother. He's so cute. Nekkid girl wasn't there... Bummer. But that didn't ruin my day. Jessie was there! And was hot as always. Jill was... Jill. Love her man. Some guy was ranting about his poor grade from his teacher on his essay to EVERYONE THAT WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR and Jill like... graded the grading. It was great. Bottom line. It was a media paper and the teacher graded it like it was a grammar class and didn't even catch it all. I wanted more time to talk to Jill, but O well... not talking so much is usually a good thing in my case. Oh and Alex and Jay was there! I like Jay and Alex. They're both cute and smart and... end.

Then my good buddies showed up! Paul and Maria and Eddie! Eddie gave me the best hug of the night. Paul let me give him the best hair sex and Maria was the only person to get a real update on me. I wish we hung out more. I should make that happen...

So then I head back over to QSU where I follow Paula(Not Paul) and this other cute girl Alex(Different Alex from above) who had been in and out of both QSU and A.S.I.A I was pretty curious as to who she was and long story short while listening to her first time tequila shot taking semi drunk ass talking about being centered everyone in asia left and moved to a different room locking my stuff in asia where I had to find David(whom I Love. Love Love Love this man. Who I think is gay. I get confused sometimes. Kinda like when a sleeping person twitches.)

So now after getting my stuff there's two places I can go.
QSU- To drink. Or Asia substitute- to drink. I picked asia substitute. And I knew damn well that yes it was getting late... going on 10 I believe. I had to take my medicine which did tell me to avoid liquor... Don't and avoid are different. And my Drs appointment is/ was today/tomorrow... awkward. When it came time to drink I thought everyone put in, but nope. One guy bought it all and they was charging everyone $5 to drink. So that made me a very sober Sammie all throughout a small game of never have I ever. Which I'd usually remain sober by the end of anyway once the participants of the game decide to move onto the more sexual side of things people do in life.

Interesting enough though these people knew how to keep a girl sipping because I found if I had a cup I'd be taking just as many drinks as the girl next to me. It was when she was about to get her hm... Maybe her 3rd or 4th cup or refill that she had to go potty and I took her place the game.

Because I'm so sleepy and so damn hungry... All I ate was chocolate syrup and crab cake this is gonna get a really bad summary for now.

Sooo other things that happened.
-Me and two friends waled to wallgreens for pads because she was on her monthly which saved us from being in the room when they got busted for having liquor. Too bad my stuff was in there.
-Waling to the room Paula was walking out and I did the kool-aid man back out cause she was saying "run run" So we did. It was fun. I dropped my ipod... Shoulda been in my bag.
-Forgot to mention that I took a shot before I left the room. Though I wasn't anywhere near buzzed nor tipsy.
-Found out that Angel killed himself. Fuckin loved that boy. Had a crush on him. I'll never look at spades in that school the same. Thank you David for calming me down. End.
-After the party got busted we stood outside hunter and I laughed at the drunk guy. Only now do I realize that they were prolly sober people laughing at us. Not nearly as much as I was laughing at him though.
-While waiting for Aida, Julianna with that British accent of hers. Until then I'd never realize I'd liked them so much. I told her to shush, but her drunken and had to be up early in the mornin self just kelp talking. Hugging me wasn't making things any better. I realized if I had taken 1 maybe 2 more shots earlier I would have told her what I told Paul about her and her accent.
-People started leaving. Like Julianna, Paul... others, but the plan waaaaas to walk some 40 something even blocks to k-town to drink... more!
So we did. I was fun. I had fun. Didn't drink much. Just tasted stuff. And I tasted a crab cake... Which I wanted to buy. But I'm glad I didn't because now my money must go towards new headphones.

And they want to do it again!
Today was a good day. I loved it. Broken headphones and all.

Clashes

I told you that I COULDN'T...
Its not that I told YOU.
But that I TOLD you.
Whether I can or can't isn't the point.
The POINT is, is that one minute I'll feel black.
No. I'm brown. Guess this is a harder point to get across when you actually are black.
Hmmm.
.Dot
.Dot
.Dot
Ellipsis... I love them.
They keep me writing.
And talking. Anywho. Back to my REASON.
One minute... And often I notice while talking to people who are trying to help me
I'll feel... lets say down... And I'll say something type negative.
It'll continue on until I notice me being negative and then I'll get extremely angry.
At myself of course for becoming this big ball of negative energy.
But sometimes I take my anger out on the person I'm talking to.
And...(dot dot dot) That makes me sad when I realize it. Then I have to say sorry.
When did it become so hard to keep things to myself?
I'd talk to someone who made it their job to listen to other people's crap simply so I didn't have to burden my friends with my crap.
I can't function while im spewing my feelings all over the place.
I'd rather not talk at all.
Is that an option. I will look into that.


I'm Sorry For Being A Negative Angry Spewing Ass. Let Me Know How I Can Help Please.
dot dot dot

Crash

I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I CAN'T.

It shouldn't take so much just to think.
To talk.
To breathe.

To write.
To cry.
To feel.

I'm caving in and crashing down.
Crashing deep in and around.

I'm lost and scared.
Things wont leave me alone.
Bothering me.
Old things wont die as new things are being born.
Over population is a problem
and my world couldn't hold much in the first place.

Giving up is a option
Just as good as the rest.
And the harder things get
The more it seems like the best.

My heart is beating too fast
Too hard.
Too loud.

I don't
I wont
I can't...


I don't know what to do.
What to feel
to think

I wont feel
breathe
think
watch, listen, laugh, cry.

I can't help it.
Can't help but break.
Break down, break up.
Be broken. Broken can't talk.
How do you fix broken.
I can't fix it
I can't be fixed.

And I can't help but crash.

Music

Its such a powerful feeling when you hear that song that you just want to get lost in... Its then that you push your headphones into your ears in a vain attempt to push the music into yourself or yourself into the music.... There's just a unyielding urge to be suffocated by it from the inside out. It makes me want to drown inside out. To cease to exist... To no longer feel my fingers against the headphones. Not the T.V in the backround. Not me sitting in this chair or feeling of something under my feet. Not even feel myself breathing. Just feel the song. I need the vibrations from this song to come at me from every where possible. And never stop. It makes me want to sacrifice my hearing if only to experience a time where music consumes all else... Songs like that are dangerous.

To that One

And so today is but another day I'm sitting here thinking about you
I know you've been waiting for a poem
but this isn't it.
I want your poem to be perfect
And as I am now
Its sad to say that
this poet can't find the right phrases
to express herself...
Well to express you..
The you she's found in herself
You see, simple words wont do
No matter how perfect they may be individually
This poet is looking for the phrases filled
with words that compliment each other
as well as you do her
And that is no easy task.There is no phrases or words
To describe your beauty, your wit, your charm, your passion
But this poet is determined to find
Which ones comes the closest
To define the security she finds
When laying with you, next to you
Even when on the phone with you...
And so this poet will wait
because you can't give the perfect person for you
an imperfect piece of you.

My little lines

My confidence is expensive
Not like $200 red prada shoes and a Edd hardy hoodie.
Nah. Expensive like your whole area can't afford it expensive.
Like war on Iraq, twin towers expensive.
Like Eminem and jay-z rap battles beef expensive.
Shit even the discounts are expensive.
Not like i wanna buy playboy expensive.
More like i wanna buy the internet expensive.
But sometimes i get a big break.
Then its not so expensive...
Nah, like a $400 t.v a $250 PlayStation 3 and a $50 game
Like kicking ass in a manly game with manly music for manly men.
Like a $500 computer and $200 internet package.
Like catching perfect timing on a downloaded drum beat making one alive and amplified.
Sometimes its as simple as a stolen ipod and a downloaded song.

Moments

It's moment like this that i shouldn't think.
Where there are too many things floating around.
My mind like clear water. Different thoughts swimming.
More like the lake of Hades.
My doubts overshadowing my accomplishments.
Its these moments that i curse myself
Every time i FAILED popping up.
I am my hardest grader.
Where the rock slide of insults come from.
The coach that pushes one too hard.
Or just not the right way.
These moments when i wonder how hard things are.
And realize how hard they will get.
Or can be.
And in these moments i make the reaper grim
The deaths of my hopes gives the grim reaper
Calls and taunts. Teases and haunts.
But they're born again.
My phoenix dreams.
In these moments i kill them.
Feel they're fleeting whispers on my temple.
While i hate these moments i need them.
These moments while harsh push me.
When surrounded in darkness you jump even higher for the light.
In these moments where all i feel is sadness
I learn again and again that it is essential that i push for happiness.
When all is said and done, it is these moments that show me to burn in glory rather than perish in darkness.

To Whom It May concern( Different)

I don't know when it was that I started to wonder if you were concerned.
I guess to most I may seem detached at home.
Sitting there on the computer all night with the music drowning out the world.
But your not supposed to fit into most.
Part of me wants to be left alone, but part of me wants you to wonder.
To see something other than a child breaking day.
To question the insomnia that chills on my shoulder.
Bo no. I'm greeted with a "maybe you should of went to sleep earlier."
Instead of a "why are you up all the time."
As my best friend you're supposed to dig deeper.
I feel a separation coming the closer we stay to each other.
I feel some type of what when I have to title this to whom it may concern instead of dear mother.

-interesting note... I started titling letter to whom it may concern because I saw it so much on my mother's letter to my school for various things, trips.. late notes absents ect.