This Anger

I clench my jaw and mind since I dare not my fist.
I feel this feeling swell within me.
It sometimes brings tears to the corner of my eyes.
Sometimes My fist do close and I have to calm myself.
I simply open and close them over and over as a smile attacks my face.
I need to hit something.
To punch someone.
To kick my bed railing into the familiar dent in my wall.
I need my physical escape that is becoming harder and harder to obtain.
Fights are no longer an option.
And sometimes I wish I were ignorant to the reasons to fight.
Wish I could go back to the point where a step on my shoe could get my fist swinging.
The wrong words could get you chocked.
And yes this may seem a bit brash
But everyone forgets...
I'm a very violent person.
And very few know of this because I've tamed most of my violent ways.
But with every time that I lose to this Anger and punch my computer screen
There is more moments when I just try to let it go for the moment.
And it builds.
I feel it.
Inside me ready to break at any. Given. Moment.
And I fear that moment.
I push it away and welcome it at the same time.
Like peeing on yourself.
An unwanted release.
Good for the moment, but bad every time after.
And things are becoming harder to control.
Missing due dates- A bit of my hair is pulled out.
Computer messes up- A slip of the tongue.
Spelling errors- I bite my lip
After awhile I see the results.
There is enough stranded hair by my keyboard to rival that on my head.
And the fact that its not something I'm aware of doing
frightens me as much as it angers me.
Failing to catch my hand in time I almost broke my screen.
Almost because I reduced my force.
And I love it and hate it at the same time.
Catching myself.
Calming myself.
Sometimes I just want to stay mad.
To punch something and break it.
To kick something and feel it crack.
But the Anger is always outweighed by the reality of things.
As that happens more and more over the years
I know its a good thing,
But I don't know if...
If.. I want that good thing to continue.

Can't write my paper but I can post wtf?

I just feel like writing about all the things that's bothering me at the moment and so I'm going to. First off this all started with Monday when my body decided that it didn't want to freakin sleep till 4 in the morning when I had to get up in time enough to be to class for 9:45. My school is not anywhere close. So I force myself to wake up and my body didn't even want to move. It felt like I crashed and I hate that. Then oddly I don't remember anymore of Tuesday. I think I came home and took a nap. Yes! I took a nap from about 2 to 4:30 and that is all I remember until I wake up tired on wednesday as well. How wonderful right? Well on wednesday I go to school to find out that I have two essays due 2day(which is the next day) I hadn't even seen one of the essays and so I'm like shit. What can ya do. I get home and check out the crap I have to do. Its not much just something I didn't want to find out last minute I had to do. Especially with my being so damned tired. I was too tired to freakin sleep! To tired to see. I hate being that tired. Its annoying when I need 2 do shit. And there was deff.. shit I needed to do. And now I'm getting pissed by every little thing. Well last night I figured that I probably wouldn't get any work done in that tired state(Its pissing me off how bad my spelling is.) So I took a risky step and went to sleep semi early and I say semi because it takes me fucking forever to fall asleep. I love it. So I was supposed to wake up early and I did, but then the migraine hits me. OOOO I shoulda seen that one coming. And so I finally get up around maybe 8 and begin(knowing I had to leave the house around 10) And My dumb ass couldn't get started on the paper until around 10. Two swift words and I left for school immediately. The more I started to think I was pissed. Mad for a few reasons. One that my 'friends' didn't tell me I had 2 papers due. The other reason was that my first reason, while i can be mad about it, was bull because its not their responsibility to tell me about that in the first place. So then I'm back to being mad at myself which causes all sorts of cute little thoughts in my head. And so now I'm mad that I'm stuck in my little way and that I have to get out of it. My biggest thing is that I'm a big baby and I have to change and I don't want to. I hate how things are set up and I only hate them because that system doesn't fit me. I'm lazy and I want things to be in my face because its easier then having to shuffle through all the shit its hidden behind and in between. And so now today I'm supposed to email the papers in which when I came home I had to write(Still fuckin tired btw) and I pulled up what I started and was again too tired to think of words. So I opted to take a 20 minute nap. Yippie! And now it's 10. That nap was at 6 going on 7. I love life. Especially since I still have a headache. Two papers to do and a pain in my chest. Freakin beautiful. I need handball in my life. And my mother's secret stash of no doze hehe. Or that 5 hour drink. That one's easier to find so I think I shall indulge in that.

-Later Days