Poem time again?...Maybe...I think so

Nothen18's IMVU Blog
04/23/08
I try to never mind it
But all I feel is hurt.
I try to look the other way
But damn I feel like dirt.
I'm cryin and I'm buggin
This sad emotion I'm chuckin
Lookin at this pain I'm duckin
Look at this situation i'm stuck in
I feel Angry and confused.
Emotions scattered and abused.
Crying brings pain
But not more than whats in my heart.
And No one's here to blame
Cuz I caused it to b ripped apart.
I've had people come and go
But nobody's just up and left
I dont know what to put right here
But I know I know the rest
I set myself for these things to happen
So fingers are pointed at myself
I was always told 2 take it like a man
but right now I need some help.
I don't know what to think
I dont even know what to guess.
I ask myself does 4 count that much
Guess the answer is a yes.

Poem time again?...Maybe...

I'm closed in
I wonder
Is it that I'm enclosed with these boundaries
Or that I don't push the walls and break out
Is it that people always compare me to those greater than me
Or do I only compare myself to people that act worse
Who is right and who is wrong
How will I know if answers are only released
Through the people that surround me
Does that mean that there is no true answer
Or does that mean that people are grater than they think?

The second look

All of my little few years of life I've been told that life is set up to make me fail, but also to help me succeed. I've always been told that I have to try harder and do better then most because I'm AA and because of where I come from. Things have always been extremely easy and extremely hard. Never a middle ground. And I was told it was even harder for the boys. So at one time I did always try to do my work. Big try(fell asleep doing it alot :) at least I tried) And like most of my friends I'm alot more laid back now. This still sticks to me and alot of the people that I'm around because being where we were at we were surrounded by stupid people. We did a hell of alot more than them and did no better. I did alot of work only to still be out next to stupid people that got suspended every other week. Wherever I was at it seemed like if you weren't all A's or really bad you were just stuck. And to this day I remain to be stuck. I never really stuck out, but people were always quick to correct me when i took a look that entertained the thought of me doing something that I usually didn't do. Like how I usually think about things from other people's point of view and usually end up defending other people(I hate it) but the one time I actually just want to be mad at somebody and just not care about why they acted a certain way somebody else is quick to tell me "but look at it from their side." As much as I want to slap 3 different shades of hell out of this person for acting right in character where they usually don't at the time where I usually would I have to acknowledge that they're right(doing otherwise would make me ignorant and how i loathe ignorant people) But in life there is one thing that pisses me off more than any other thing that has and could ever happen to me. I have a best friend and by best friend I mean I knew this delinquent since we was in diapers. I grew up with this boy. This fool was left back 3 times and not because he was stupid, but because he was bad. He got put in special ed because he was bad. When I was in 7th grade he was in 4th. I remember that because he transferred into my school and I can't remember how many girls started talking to me because I knew him. Now although it makes me happy to some degree(not about the girls talking to me..... Never that I hated that) it still pissed me off that now me and him are in the same grade. Not because he got his shit together, but because when he was in 5th grade he beat up the 5th graders so much that they just put him in his right grade to see if he'd still act up with the 8th graders.He beat up the 8th graders too, but he was getting older so it wasn't as much. Now he is in 12th grade. He doesn't go to school anymore though because of unsaid reasons, but still!!! I'm happy that he was given the opportunity to be on track because he is my friend, but if he was anybody else there would be no glimpse of happiness thinking back on this. How can people expect me to do good in school and get straight A's in school when things like this happen? I go to school! He doesn't. Never did like that....He gets Z's. And he's in 12th grade... I get A's at times and he gets Z's and we're still in the same grade? That's why I don't do work now. I'm surrounded very few bright people, but mainly stupid people who ask stupid questions. They complain about the work that we get in this school which in all honestly I got more in 3rd grade(seriously) and they get like 2,3 weeks to do a project. And still turn it in late and complain about it. I turn my work in late, but I do not complain about it. They wanna wait till last minute to do 5 minute work and by last minute i mean end of the marking period and talk about they couldn't do it any time earlier. I know damn well that half the work given could be done in class with time to spare. I think I should stop before I say something I shouldn't say :) School is jail for me -_-' I thank the smart people in that school that help me get through my time there. You help make the world a safer place for stupid people from people like me :)Wait I don't like ya'll anymore lol.
~We're still at war~
The quote is: "Suffer no illusions my stupid ones. I do not like you:)"

The after effects

Today I spent all day in a van riding across the country. Not really but it felt like it. This time when I traveled down south was like the only time I really didn't want to be there. It was odd. Down there is like my home that I can relax more in. I couldn't relax and I couldn't sleep. Normal people would think that since I went down there for a burial that would be the reason why, but I've went down there for that type of stuff plenty of times and I've never felt like this. I liked being down there and yet I didn't and that was the first time I EVER did not want to be traveling in the slightest. Eh.... I feel as if I'm losing myself. And not in a I don't know who I am kind of way but more of a losing control type of thing. I'm wondering is this normal. I think it is because it doesn't seem like a big thing and it doesn't scare me. It kinda excites me a little bit. Odd. Hm.. I wanted to make this post more general and in me thinking i found out just how. I was going to almost kind of rant about some other stupid act this government has committed, but I stopped myself saying that I don't want to talk about it since all I'd do is rant forever and nothing happens. Then the thought came to me that, that might be why people don't let themselves care for things. Well not exactly not let themselves care but not do anything about it. To me it seems like alot of people don't know what to do to change something that they don't like. And if they do alot of people that I'm around don't think that what they do with really matter or change things. Though I know that it actually can I still can't help, but think that way as well. It makes me wonder if things were set up to make us think that particular way. I know the government does things exactly as the do to send messages that we don't really catch on to. We only subconsciously get it. That's only part of it though. I've been in alot of different programs and one that I've learned alot from is the program EOTO(each one teach one)
There I found some....stuff. Like a 14 year old on trial doesn't need a parent to make a life changing choice. They also have abandoned jails upstate that they won't close down because they're in republican areas and republicans work there so if they close down the jails the republicans wont have a job. When we went to Albany I was ready to tell them to just close down the place and send them a check to their house kuz it'd be easier and save alot of money, but sadly I couldn't say it. They spend so much money on stupidness. And its not like I can't say this without proof. The guys in Albany even said that was basically why. We did all that and nothing changed. I understand just because u ask for something doesn't mean its gonna happen, but still. That just put me in a whatever mood and reminded me all over again the main reason why I don't deal with anything political. They're all stupid... Wait I take that back. The ones that make the main decisions are stupid assholes who look out for their ppl(republicans) And with that I end. I winded up ranting anyway SmDh@myself
~We're still at war~
There is no quote...