Clashes

I told you that I COULDN'T...
Its not that I told YOU.
But that I TOLD you.
Whether I can or can't isn't the point.
The POINT is, is that one minute I'll feel black.
No. I'm brown. Guess this is a harder point to get across when you actually are black.
Hmmm.
.Dot
.Dot
.Dot
Ellipsis... I love them.
They keep me writing.
And talking. Anywho. Back to my REASON.
One minute... And often I notice while talking to people who are trying to help me
I'll feel... lets say down... And I'll say something type negative.
It'll continue on until I notice me being negative and then I'll get extremely angry.
At myself of course for becoming this big ball of negative energy.
But sometimes I take my anger out on the person I'm talking to.
And...(dot dot dot) That makes me sad when I realize it. Then I have to say sorry.
When did it become so hard to keep things to myself?
I'd talk to someone who made it their job to listen to other people's crap simply so I didn't have to burden my friends with my crap.
I can't function while im spewing my feelings all over the place.
I'd rather not talk at all.
Is that an option. I will look into that.


I'm Sorry For Being A Negative Angry Spewing Ass. Let Me Know How I Can Help Please.
dot dot dot

Crash

I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I CAN'T.

It shouldn't take so much just to think.
To talk.
To breathe.

To write.
To cry.
To feel.

I'm caving in and crashing down.
Crashing deep in and around.

I'm lost and scared.
Things wont leave me alone.
Bothering me.
Old things wont die as new things are being born.
Over population is a problem
and my world couldn't hold much in the first place.

Giving up is a option
Just as good as the rest.
And the harder things get
The more it seems like the best.

My heart is beating too fast
Too hard.
Too loud.

I don't
I wont
I can't...


I don't know what to do.
What to feel
to think

I wont feel
breathe
think
watch, listen, laugh, cry.

I can't help it.
Can't help but break.
Break down, break up.
Be broken. Broken can't talk.
How do you fix broken.
I can't fix it
I can't be fixed.

And I can't help but crash.

Music

Its such a powerful feeling when you hear that song that you just want to get lost in... Its then that you push your headphones into your ears in a vain attempt to push the music into yourself or yourself into the music.... There's just a unyielding urge to be suffocated by it from the inside out. It makes me want to drown inside out. To cease to exist... To no longer feel my fingers against the headphones. Not the T.V in the backround. Not me sitting in this chair or feeling of something under my feet. Not even feel myself breathing. Just feel the song. I need the vibrations from this song to come at me from every where possible. And never stop. It makes me want to sacrifice my hearing if only to experience a time where music consumes all else... Songs like that are dangerous.

To that One

And so today is but another day I'm sitting here thinking about you
I know you've been waiting for a poem
but this isn't it.
I want your poem to be perfect
And as I am now
Its sad to say that
this poet can't find the right phrases
to express herself...
Well to express you..
The you she's found in herself
You see, simple words wont do
No matter how perfect they may be individually
This poet is looking for the phrases filled
with words that compliment each other
as well as you do her
And that is no easy task.There is no phrases or words
To describe your beauty, your wit, your charm, your passion
But this poet is determined to find
Which ones comes the closest
To define the security she finds
When laying with you, next to you
Even when on the phone with you...
And so this poet will wait
because you can't give the perfect person for you
an imperfect piece of you.

My little lines

My confidence is expensive
Not like $200 red prada shoes and a Edd hardy hoodie.
Nah. Expensive like your whole area can't afford it expensive.
Like war on Iraq, twin towers expensive.
Like Eminem and jay-z rap battles beef expensive.
Shit even the discounts are expensive.
Not like i wanna buy playboy expensive.
More like i wanna buy the internet expensive.
But sometimes i get a big break.
Then its not so expensive...
Nah, like a $400 t.v a $250 PlayStation 3 and a $50 game
Like kicking ass in a manly game with manly music for manly men.
Like a $500 computer and $200 internet package.
Like catching perfect timing on a downloaded drum beat making one alive and amplified.
Sometimes its as simple as a stolen ipod and a downloaded song.

Moments

It's moment like this that i shouldn't think.
Where there are too many things floating around.
My mind like clear water. Different thoughts swimming.
More like the lake of Hades.
My doubts overshadowing my accomplishments.
Its these moments that i curse myself
Every time i FAILED popping up.
I am my hardest grader.
Where the rock slide of insults come from.
The coach that pushes one too hard.
Or just not the right way.
These moments when i wonder how hard things are.
And realize how hard they will get.
Or can be.
And in these moments i make the reaper grim
The deaths of my hopes gives the grim reaper
Calls and taunts. Teases and haunts.
But they're born again.
My phoenix dreams.
In these moments i kill them.
Feel they're fleeting whispers on my temple.
While i hate these moments i need them.
These moments while harsh push me.
When surrounded in darkness you jump even higher for the light.
In these moments where all i feel is sadness
I learn again and again that it is essential that i push for happiness.
When all is said and done, it is these moments that show me to burn in glory rather than perish in darkness.

To Whom It May concern( Different)

I don't know when it was that I started to wonder if you were concerned.
I guess to most I may seem detached at home.
Sitting there on the computer all night with the music drowning out the world.
But your not supposed to fit into most.
Part of me wants to be left alone, but part of me wants you to wonder.
To see something other than a child breaking day.
To question the insomnia that chills on my shoulder.
Bo no. I'm greeted with a "maybe you should of went to sleep earlier."
Instead of a "why are you up all the time."
As my best friend you're supposed to dig deeper.
I feel a separation coming the closer we stay to each other.
I feel some type of what when I have to title this to whom it may concern instead of dear mother.

-interesting note... I started titling letter to whom it may concern because I saw it so much on my mother's letter to my school for various things, trips.. late notes absents ect.