Hunter

4:15

That's the time I got my ass in the house this morning. Yes yes I know that's way past when I was supposed to be home, but hell! When is the last time I've been to a Hunter party. It was good to see everybody again. Really good. I felt... missed and seen. I'd always considered them some type of family. Odd and goofy, but family none the less. I loved having to hide behind random people from friends who yelled my name right before they called me a bitch and other such names only to hug me tightly and tell me they miss me and yell at me when they ask me where I'd been.

It was nice to know that people noticed your absence. Even the cute girl who you never even knew she knew your name. But she did. And she yelled it... Loudly. And then hugged me. Yay. It was nice catching up with everyone. I've got to work on my answer to, "So, what have you been up to?" Because being black and saying staying out of trouble isn't really working for me. Well actually now that I think about it... It does. Since all we do is make race jokes. Meant to tell them about what DJ's kid told me the photo guy said. That would have been good times.

Even People in QSU noticed I was out. And I got to see my big little brother. He's so cute. Nekkid girl wasn't there... Bummer. But that didn't ruin my day. Jessie was there! And was hot as always. Jill was... Jill. Love her man. Some guy was ranting about his poor grade from his teacher on his essay to EVERYONE THAT WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR and Jill like... graded the grading. It was great. Bottom line. It was a media paper and the teacher graded it like it was a grammar class and didn't even catch it all. I wanted more time to talk to Jill, but O well... not talking so much is usually a good thing in my case. Oh and Alex and Jay was there! I like Jay and Alex. They're both cute and smart and... end.

Then my good buddies showed up! Paul and Maria and Eddie! Eddie gave me the best hug of the night. Paul let me give him the best hair sex and Maria was the only person to get a real update on me. I wish we hung out more. I should make that happen...

So then I head back over to QSU where I follow Paula(Not Paul) and this other cute girl Alex(Different Alex from above) who had been in and out of both QSU and A.S.I.A I was pretty curious as to who she was and long story short while listening to her first time tequila shot taking semi drunk ass talking about being centered everyone in asia left and moved to a different room locking my stuff in asia where I had to find David(whom I Love. Love Love Love this man. Who I think is gay. I get confused sometimes. Kinda like when a sleeping person twitches.)

So now after getting my stuff there's two places I can go.
QSU- To drink. Or Asia substitute- to drink. I picked asia substitute. And I knew damn well that yes it was getting late... going on 10 I believe. I had to take my medicine which did tell me to avoid liquor... Don't and avoid are different. And my Drs appointment is/ was today/tomorrow... awkward. When it came time to drink I thought everyone put in, but nope. One guy bought it all and they was charging everyone $5 to drink. So that made me a very sober Sammie all throughout a small game of never have I ever. Which I'd usually remain sober by the end of anyway once the participants of the game decide to move onto the more sexual side of things people do in life.

Interesting enough though these people knew how to keep a girl sipping because I found if I had a cup I'd be taking just as many drinks as the girl next to me. It was when she was about to get her hm... Maybe her 3rd or 4th cup or refill that she had to go potty and I took her place the game.

Because I'm so sleepy and so damn hungry... All I ate was chocolate syrup and crab cake this is gonna get a really bad summary for now.

Sooo other things that happened.
-Me and two friends waled to wallgreens for pads because she was on her monthly which saved us from being in the room when they got busted for having liquor. Too bad my stuff was in there.
-Waling to the room Paula was walking out and I did the kool-aid man back out cause she was saying "run run" So we did. It was fun. I dropped my ipod... Shoulda been in my bag.
-Forgot to mention that I took a shot before I left the room. Though I wasn't anywhere near buzzed nor tipsy.
-Found out that Angel killed himself. Fuckin loved that boy. Had a crush on him. I'll never look at spades in that school the same. Thank you David for calming me down. End.
-After the party got busted we stood outside hunter and I laughed at the drunk guy. Only now do I realize that they were prolly sober people laughing at us. Not nearly as much as I was laughing at him though.
-While waiting for Aida, Julianna with that British accent of hers. Until then I'd never realize I'd liked them so much. I told her to shush, but her drunken and had to be up early in the mornin self just kelp talking. Hugging me wasn't making things any better. I realized if I had taken 1 maybe 2 more shots earlier I would have told her what I told Paul about her and her accent.
-People started leaving. Like Julianna, Paul... others, but the plan waaaaas to walk some 40 something even blocks to k-town to drink... more!
So we did. I was fun. I had fun. Didn't drink much. Just tasted stuff. And I tasted a crab cake... Which I wanted to buy. But I'm glad I didn't because now my money must go towards new headphones.

And they want to do it again!
Today was a good day. I loved it. Broken headphones and all.

Clashes

I told you that I COULDN'T...
Its not that I told YOU.
But that I TOLD you.
Whether I can or can't isn't the point.
The POINT is, is that one minute I'll feel black.
No. I'm brown. Guess this is a harder point to get across when you actually are black.
Hmmm.
.Dot
.Dot
.Dot
Ellipsis... I love them.
They keep me writing.
And talking. Anywho. Back to my REASON.
One minute... And often I notice while talking to people who are trying to help me
I'll feel... lets say down... And I'll say something type negative.
It'll continue on until I notice me being negative and then I'll get extremely angry.
At myself of course for becoming this big ball of negative energy.
But sometimes I take my anger out on the person I'm talking to.
And...(dot dot dot) That makes me sad when I realize it. Then I have to say sorry.
When did it become so hard to keep things to myself?
I'd talk to someone who made it their job to listen to other people's crap simply so I didn't have to burden my friends with my crap.
I can't function while im spewing my feelings all over the place.
I'd rather not talk at all.
Is that an option. I will look into that.


I'm Sorry For Being A Negative Angry Spewing Ass. Let Me Know How I Can Help Please.
dot dot dot

Crash

I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I CAN'T.

It shouldn't take so much just to think.
To talk.
To breathe.

To write.
To cry.
To feel.

I'm caving in and crashing down.
Crashing deep in and around.

I'm lost and scared.
Things wont leave me alone.
Bothering me.
Old things wont die as new things are being born.
Over population is a problem
and my world couldn't hold much in the first place.

Giving up is a option
Just as good as the rest.
And the harder things get
The more it seems like the best.

My heart is beating too fast
Too hard.
Too loud.

I don't
I wont
I can't...


I don't know what to do.
What to feel
to think

I wont feel
breathe
think
watch, listen, laugh, cry.

I can't help it.
Can't help but break.
Break down, break up.
Be broken. Broken can't talk.
How do you fix broken.
I can't fix it
I can't be fixed.

And I can't help but crash.

Music

Its such a powerful feeling when you hear that song that you just want to get lost in... Its then that you push your headphones into your ears in a vain attempt to push the music into yourself or yourself into the music.... There's just a unyielding urge to be suffocated by it from the inside out. It makes me want to drown inside out. To cease to exist... To no longer feel my fingers against the headphones. Not the T.V in the backround. Not me sitting in this chair or feeling of something under my feet. Not even feel myself breathing. Just feel the song. I need the vibrations from this song to come at me from every where possible. And never stop. It makes me want to sacrifice my hearing if only to experience a time where music consumes all else... Songs like that are dangerous.

To that One

And so today is but another day I'm sitting here thinking about you
I know you've been waiting for a poem
but this isn't it.
I want your poem to be perfect
And as I am now
Its sad to say that
this poet can't find the right phrases
to express herself...
Well to express you..
The you she's found in herself
You see, simple words wont do
No matter how perfect they may be individually
This poet is looking for the phrases filled
with words that compliment each other
as well as you do her
And that is no easy task.There is no phrases or words
To describe your beauty, your wit, your charm, your passion
But this poet is determined to find
Which ones comes the closest
To define the security she finds
When laying with you, next to you
Even when on the phone with you...
And so this poet will wait
because you can't give the perfect person for you
an imperfect piece of you.

My little lines

My confidence is expensive
Not like $200 red prada shoes and a Edd hardy hoodie.
Nah. Expensive like your whole area can't afford it expensive.
Like war on Iraq, twin towers expensive.
Like Eminem and jay-z rap battles beef expensive.
Shit even the discounts are expensive.
Not like i wanna buy playboy expensive.
More like i wanna buy the internet expensive.
But sometimes i get a big break.
Then its not so expensive...
Nah, like a $400 t.v a $250 PlayStation 3 and a $50 game
Like kicking ass in a manly game with manly music for manly men.
Like a $500 computer and $200 internet package.
Like catching perfect timing on a downloaded drum beat making one alive and amplified.
Sometimes its as simple as a stolen ipod and a downloaded song.

Moments

It's moment like this that i shouldn't think.
Where there are too many things floating around.
My mind like clear water. Different thoughts swimming.
More like the lake of Hades.
My doubts overshadowing my accomplishments.
Its these moments that i curse myself
Every time i FAILED popping up.
I am my hardest grader.
Where the rock slide of insults come from.
The coach that pushes one too hard.
Or just not the right way.
These moments when i wonder how hard things are.
And realize how hard they will get.
Or can be.
And in these moments i make the reaper grim
The deaths of my hopes gives the grim reaper
Calls and taunts. Teases and haunts.
But they're born again.
My phoenix dreams.
In these moments i kill them.
Feel they're fleeting whispers on my temple.
While i hate these moments i need them.
These moments while harsh push me.
When surrounded in darkness you jump even higher for the light.
In these moments where all i feel is sadness
I learn again and again that it is essential that i push for happiness.
When all is said and done, it is these moments that show me to burn in glory rather than perish in darkness.

To Whom It May concern( Different)

I don't know when it was that I started to wonder if you were concerned.
I guess to most I may seem detached at home.
Sitting there on the computer all night with the music drowning out the world.
But your not supposed to fit into most.
Part of me wants to be left alone, but part of me wants you to wonder.
To see something other than a child breaking day.
To question the insomnia that chills on my shoulder.
Bo no. I'm greeted with a "maybe you should of went to sleep earlier."
Instead of a "why are you up all the time."
As my best friend you're supposed to dig deeper.
I feel a separation coming the closer we stay to each other.
I feel some type of what when I have to title this to whom it may concern instead of dear mother.

-interesting note... I started titling letter to whom it may concern because I saw it so much on my mother's letter to my school for various things, trips.. late notes absents ect.

To Whom It May concern

The only thing I can say is sorry. I've been trying to do right by your faith in me...
Sadly I have failed. There isn't any excuse. I'm not even brave enough to say this to you. So I've left these words of apology in this. You invested in me and I couldn't even pay you back by using what you've given me. I'm angry at myself for disappointing you. I couldn't and can't focus. Its not meant to be a excuse for failing simply a fact of what is. I haven't bean able to for over a year now. I need to take a step back because I can't push forward anymore right now. So again I say sorry, but thank you so much. I'm extremely grateful for everything. Even if it doesn't seem like it.

Release

Oh man.
I just need to express something.
Doesn't have to be myself
Just something
I have that itch to write
and It has me jumpin in my seat
squirmin in my jeans
Grinnin through my teeth
I can see words leaving my hands
I can't read them nor do they make sense
I just see them
Like they need to be released
I keep lookin at my palms
Like those words are gonna imprint themselves on this screen(drop)
And what else can I do but listen to the sound of the keyboard
And(Rain) bob my head
This writin is lyrical
Musical
This shall be incomplete
because I feel incomplete
Needing to write, but havin no idea what to say
its like itchin somewhere, but not knowing where to scratch.
I needs me some worded release.

Fail of the Day

Night Time

It's heart beats under my feet.
I'm owing this street.
Mines to play with
Mine to beat.

Its always there; pulsing
Alive and loud.
Hectic and flowing.
Glowing.

Inviting the skyline to join it's rhyme
And its allure came with time
and who am I?
To deny myself this city grind

Its always here beckoning and calling
Its song playing my ears
while I peddle feeling it shift beneath me
Greedy

When I ache for that night life theme
pushed and pulled towards that nightclub scene
But I refuse
And enjoy this night time dream

This moon and this city is a rush
And I can't get over it
Not gonna let it slip away
Remaining a wanderer at night and a school girl by day

Baby goodness :3

A little glimpse of Crazy

I want someone to go, "Are you ok?"
So I can scream and blow up.
No im not ok!
I want to scream and cry.
Pull out my hair and laugh at the same time.
All of this hidden by a tired look.
Look into my eyes and you'll see this glimpse of crazy.
I want to bend something till it breaks before I do.
Im sleepy and im slippin.
I can't be bothered with spelling grammar.
I need to make my point across.
I am fucked up.
And I don't know how.
I'm confused and nothing makes sense.
My sense is senseless.
I feel like a painting of a collage.
Made to not fit together.
Almost but not quiet there.
And If I pull out anymore hair!
There will be more than a little glimpse of crazy to see.
I have issues.
Don't we all?
Yes you too. You little seemingly perfect bastard.
I hate you. Well me...
No no. Definitely you.
Well I don't hate you but im confused.
I said that earlier right?
These emotion... Can I break them?
Do they crumble?
Break apart like boulders.
Maybe not. They suck.
They all suck. Even the good ones.
They never last forever.
One thing does though...
This glimpse of crazy.
This crazy. It definitely does.
That sucks too...

The Stupid Things

So I'm on youtube looking at a video of The L Word. For all who don't know it's a show about gay people. But anyway I'm looking at the video and for some unknown reason I decided to look at the comments. I don't know why I do. All they do is make me laugh and piss me off all at the same time. Two things I should never read comments on is certain rap music and gay things. For some reason those two topics tend to attract the attention of people that don't like it. I'm looking at the video of the L Word and in the comments is things about religion and how being gay is a sin yadda yadda. My question to these people is... by watching the video aren't you taking interest in it? Or something like that. I can't reli understand why someone would want to watch something just to comment badly on it. And the excuse, "I'm just trying to help you find god... or whatever." I'm so tired of it. I mean I can deal with the preaching on the train because I believe that as long as they reach at least one person then their goal is accomplished, but on a gay youtube video? I'm sure, "You being gay is a sin and your going to hell." Will make anyone just stop what they're doing and march back on the 'right path.' Yeah.... Like anything is being taken seriously on youtube comments. If you feel that strongly about it march into a LGBT place and tell them.

It just annoys me that people just can't leave other people alone. If they want to be gay and merri LET THEM. If they're not tryna grab your ass shutup and leave them be. It doesn't effect you in any harmful way. If you don't like the fairies heres a thought.... leave. Don't watch the video. Don't go on the site. Don't listen to the music. Don't eat the cake. No one is forcing anything on anyone. All these religions focus on love and happiness. Forgiveness too. And for some reason we can't even seem to get those basics down...

Babies

Acapulco

Acapulco

This song is the summary of how how I feel at the moment. Very Laid back and calm. relaxed. It doesn't get at the tired part of me that's been taggin along this whole day, but that's fine. I'm really likin this song. Reminds me of this game named Yakuza. They play a song like this at one of the main bars you go to in the game. Very relaxing. I'd go to a place all the time if they played music like this. That just reminded me. I want to become a regular at a bar. Like the people you see on t.v shows where they're madd cool with their bartenders. But I don't drink so maybe Dave and Busters lol. Or some arcade. Or a lounge. I think I could pull that off. With a laptop and maybe my psp back awwwwww man! I'm in there. I need a hang out spot. Somewhere other than someone's house. It'll be interesting once I find one. For the days when the weather is too much to be outside. I have found my mission! :D

This Anger

I clench my jaw and mind since I dare not my fist.
I feel this feeling swell within me.
It sometimes brings tears to the corner of my eyes.
Sometimes My fist do close and I have to calm myself.
I simply open and close them over and over as a smile attacks my face.
I need to hit something.
To punch someone.
To kick my bed railing into the familiar dent in my wall.
I need my physical escape that is becoming harder and harder to obtain.
Fights are no longer an option.
And sometimes I wish I were ignorant to the reasons to fight.
Wish I could go back to the point where a step on my shoe could get my fist swinging.
The wrong words could get you chocked.
And yes this may seem a bit brash
But everyone forgets...
I'm a very violent person.
And very few know of this because I've tamed most of my violent ways.
But with every time that I lose to this Anger and punch my computer screen
There is more moments when I just try to let it go for the moment.
And it builds.
I feel it.
Inside me ready to break at any. Given. Moment.
And I fear that moment.
I push it away and welcome it at the same time.
Like peeing on yourself.
An unwanted release.
Good for the moment, but bad every time after.
And things are becoming harder to control.
Missing due dates- A bit of my hair is pulled out.
Computer messes up- A slip of the tongue.
Spelling errors- I bite my lip
After awhile I see the results.
There is enough stranded hair by my keyboard to rival that on my head.
And the fact that its not something I'm aware of doing
frightens me as much as it angers me.
Failing to catch my hand in time I almost broke my screen.
Almost because I reduced my force.
And I love it and hate it at the same time.
Catching myself.
Calming myself.
Sometimes I just want to stay mad.
To punch something and break it.
To kick something and feel it crack.
But the Anger is always outweighed by the reality of things.
As that happens more and more over the years
I know its a good thing,
But I don't know if...
If.. I want that good thing to continue.

Can't write my paper but I can post wtf?

I just feel like writing about all the things that's bothering me at the moment and so I'm going to. First off this all started with Monday when my body decided that it didn't want to freakin sleep till 4 in the morning when I had to get up in time enough to be to class for 9:45. My school is not anywhere close. So I force myself to wake up and my body didn't even want to move. It felt like I crashed and I hate that. Then oddly I don't remember anymore of Tuesday. I think I came home and took a nap. Yes! I took a nap from about 2 to 4:30 and that is all I remember until I wake up tired on wednesday as well. How wonderful right? Well on wednesday I go to school to find out that I have two essays due 2day(which is the next day) I hadn't even seen one of the essays and so I'm like shit. What can ya do. I get home and check out the crap I have to do. Its not much just something I didn't want to find out last minute I had to do. Especially with my being so damned tired. I was too tired to freakin sleep! To tired to see. I hate being that tired. Its annoying when I need 2 do shit. And there was deff.. shit I needed to do. And now I'm getting pissed by every little thing. Well last night I figured that I probably wouldn't get any work done in that tired state(Its pissing me off how bad my spelling is.) So I took a risky step and went to sleep semi early and I say semi because it takes me fucking forever to fall asleep. I love it. So I was supposed to wake up early and I did, but then the migraine hits me. OOOO I shoulda seen that one coming. And so I finally get up around maybe 8 and begin(knowing I had to leave the house around 10) And My dumb ass couldn't get started on the paper until around 10. Two swift words and I left for school immediately. The more I started to think I was pissed. Mad for a few reasons. One that my 'friends' didn't tell me I had 2 papers due. The other reason was that my first reason, while i can be mad about it, was bull because its not their responsibility to tell me about that in the first place. So then I'm back to being mad at myself which causes all sorts of cute little thoughts in my head. And so now I'm mad that I'm stuck in my little way and that I have to get out of it. My biggest thing is that I'm a big baby and I have to change and I don't want to. I hate how things are set up and I only hate them because that system doesn't fit me. I'm lazy and I want things to be in my face because its easier then having to shuffle through all the shit its hidden behind and in between. And so now today I'm supposed to email the papers in which when I came home I had to write(Still fuckin tired btw) and I pulled up what I started and was again too tired to think of words. So I opted to take a 20 minute nap. Yippie! And now it's 10. That nap was at 6 going on 7. I love life. Especially since I still have a headache. Two papers to do and a pain in my chest. Freakin beautiful. I need handball in my life. And my mother's secret stash of no doze hehe. Or that 5 hour drink. That one's easier to find so I think I shall indulge in that.

-Later Days