HMMM

Hunter

2011-12-22T01:53:00.000-08:00

4:15

That's the time I got my ass in the house this morning. Yes yes I know that's way past when I was supposed to be home, but hell! When is the last time I've been to a Hunter party. It was good to see everybody again. Really good. I felt... missed and seen. I'd always considered them some type of family. Odd and goofy, but family none the less. I loved having to hide behind random people from friends who yelled my name right before they called me a bitch and other such names only to hug me tightly and tell me they miss me and yell at me when they ask me where I'd been.

It was nice to know that people noticed your absence. Even the cute girl who you never even knew she knew your name. But she did. And she yelled it... Loudly. And then hugged me. Yay. It was nice catching up with everyone. I've got to work on my answer to, "So, what have you been up to?" Because being black and saying staying out of trouble isn't really working for me. Well actually now that I think about it... It does. Since all we do is make race jokes. Meant to tell them about what DJ's kid told me the photo guy said. That would have been good times.

Even People in QSU noticed I was out. And I got to see my big little brother. He's so cute. Nekkid girl wasn't there... Bummer. But that didn't ruin my day. Jessie was there! And was hot as always. Jill was... Jill. Love her man. Some guy was ranting about his poor grade from his teacher on his essay to EVERYONE THAT WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR and Jill like... graded the grading. It was great. Bottom line. It was a media paper and the teacher graded it like it was a grammar class and didn't even catch it all. I wanted more time to talk to Jill, but O well... not talking so much is usually a good thing in my case. Oh and Alex and Jay was there! I like Jay and Alex. They're both cute and smart and... end.

Then my good buddies showed up! Paul and Maria and Eddie! Eddie gave me the best hug of the night. Paul let me give him the best hair sex and Maria was the only person to get a real update on me. I wish we hung out more. I should make that happen...

So then I head back over to QSU where I follow Paula(Not Paul) and this other cute girl Alex(Different Alex from above) who had been in and out of both QSU and A.S.I.A I was pretty curious as to who she was and long story short while listening to her first time tequila shot taking semi drunk ass talking about being centered everyone in asia left and moved to a different room locking my stuff in asia where I had to find David(whom I Love. Love Love Love this man. Who I think is gay. I get confused sometimes. Kinda like when a sleeping person twitches.)

So now after getting my stuff there's two places I can go.
QSU- To drink. Or Asia substitute- to drink. I picked asia substitute. And I knew damn well that yes it was getting late... going on 10 I believe. I had to take my medicine which did tell me to avoid liquor... Don't and avoid are different. And my Drs appointment is/ was today/tomorrow... awkward. When it came time to drink I thought everyone put in, but nope. One guy bought it all and they was charging everyone $5 to drink. So that made me a very sober Sammie all throughout a small game of never have I ever. Which I'd usually remain sober by the end of anyway once the participants of the game decide to move onto the more sexual side of things people do in life.

Interesting enough though these people knew how to keep a girl sipping because I found if I had a cup I'd be taking just as many drinks as the girl next to me. It was when she was about to get her hm... Maybe her 3rd or 4th cup or refill that she had to go potty and I took her place the game.

Because I'm so sleepy and so damn hungry... All I ate was chocolate syrup and crab cake this is gonna get a really bad summary for now.

Sooo other things that happened.
-Me and two friends waled to wallgreens for pads because she was on her monthly which saved us from being in the room when they got busted for having liquor. Too bad my stuff was in there.
-Waling to the room Paula was walking out and I did the kool-aid man back out cause she was saying "run run" So we did. It was fun. I dropped my ipod... Shoulda been in my bag.
-Forgot to mention that I took a shot before I left the room. Though I wasn't anywhere near buzzed nor tipsy.
-Found out that Angel killed himself. Fuckin loved that boy. Had a crush on him. I'll never look at spades in that school the same. Thank you David for calming me down. End.
-After the party got busted we stood outside hunter and I laughed at the drunk guy. Only now do I realize that they were prolly sober people laughing at us. Not nearly as much as I was laughing at him though.
-While waiting for Aida, Julianna with that British accent of hers. Until then I'd never realize I'd liked them so much. I told her to shush, but her drunken and had to be up early in the mornin self just kelp talking. Hugging me wasn't making things any better. I realized if I had taken 1 maybe 2 more shots earlier I would have told her what I told Paul about her and her accent.
-People started leaving. Like Julianna, Paul... others, but the plan waaaaas to walk some 40 something even blocks to k-town to drink... more!
So we did. I was fun. I had fun. Didn't drink much. Just tasted stuff. And I tasted a crab cake... Which I wanted to buy. But I'm glad I didn't because now my money must go towards new headphones.

And they want to do it again!
Today was a good day. I loved it. Broken headphones and all.

Clashes

2011-12-20T10:29:00.000-08:00

I told you that I COULDN'T...
Its not that I told YOU.
But that I TOLD you.
Whether I can or can't isn't the point.
The POINT is, is that one minute I'll feel black.
No. I'm brown. Guess this is a harder point to get across when you actually are black.
Hmmm.
.Dot
.Dot
.Dot
Ellipsis... I love them.
They keep me writing.
And talking. Anywho. Back to my REASON.
One minute... And often I notice while talking to people who are trying to help me
I'll feel... lets say down... And I'll say something type negative.
It'll continue on until I notice me being negative and then I'll get extremely angry.
At myself of course for becoming this big ball of negative energy.
But sometimes I take my anger out on the person I'm talking to.
And...(dot dot dot) That makes me sad when I realize it. Then I have to say sorry.
When did it become so hard to keep things to myself?
I'd talk to someone who made it their job to listen to other people's crap simply so I didn't have to burden my friends with my crap.
I can't function while im spewing my feelings all over the place.
I'd rather not talk at all.
Is that an option. I will look into that.

I'm Sorry For Being A Negative Angry Spewing Ass. Let Me Know How I Can Help Please.
dot dot dot

Crash

2011-10-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I CAN'T.

It shouldn't take so much just to think.
To talk.
To breathe.

To write.
To cry.
To feel.

I'm caving in and crashing down.
Crashing deep in and around.

I'm lost and scared.
Things wont leave me alone.
Bothering me.
Old things wont die as new things are being born.
Over population is a problem
and my world couldn't hold much in the first place.

Giving up is a option
Just as good as the rest.
And the harder things get
The more it seems like the best.

My heart is beating too fast
Too hard.
Too loud.

I don't
I wont
I can't...

I don't know what to do.
What to feel
to think

I wont feel
breathe
think
watch, listen, laugh, cry.

I can't help it.
Can't help but break.
Break down, break up.
Be broken. Broken can't talk.
How do you fix broken.
I can't fix it
I can't be fixed.

And I can't help but crash.

Music

2011-10-03T18:34:00.000-07:00

Its such a powerful feeling when you hear that song that you just want to get lost in... Its then that you push your headphones into your ears in a vain attempt to push the music into yourself or yourself into the music.... There's just a unyielding urge to be suffocated by it from the inside out. It makes me want to drown inside out. To cease to exist... To no longer feel my fingers against the headphones. Not the T.V in the backround. Not me sitting in this chair or feeling of something under my feet. Not even feel myself breathing. Just feel the song. I need the vibrations from this song to come at me from every where possible. And never stop. It makes me want to sacrifice my hearing if only to experience a time where music consumes all else... Songs like that are dangerous.

To that One

2011-09-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

And so today is but another day I'm sitting here thinking about you
I know you've been waiting for a poem
but this isn't it.
I want your poem to be perfect
And as I am now
Its sad to say that
this poet can't find the right phrases
to express herself...
Well to express you..
The you she's found in herself
You see, simple words wont do
No matter how perfect they may be individually
This poet is looking for the phrases filled
with words that compliment each other
as well as you do her
And that is no easy task.There is no phrases or words
To describe your beauty, your wit, your charm, your passion
But this poet is determined to find
Which ones comes the closest
To define the security she finds
When laying with you, next to you
Even when on the phone with you...
And so this poet will wait
because you can't give the perfect person for you
an imperfect piece of you.

My little lines

2011-02-25T23:57:00.000-08:00

My confidence is expensive
Not like $200 red prada shoes and a Edd hardy hoodie.
Nah. Expensive like your whole area can't afford it expensive.
Like war on Iraq, twin towers expensive.
Like Eminem and jay-z rap battles beef expensive.
Shit even the discounts are expensive.
Not like i wanna buy playboy expensive.
More like i wanna buy the internet expensive.
But sometimes i get a big break.
Then its not so expensive...
Nah, like a $400 t.v a $250 PlayStation 3 and a $50 game
Like kicking ass in a manly game with manly music for manly men.
Like a $500 computer and $200 internet package.
Like catching perfect timing on a downloaded drum beat making one alive and amplified.
Sometimes its as simple as a stolen ipod and a downloaded song.

Moments

2011-02-25T23:55:00.000-08:00

It's moment like this that i shouldn't think.
Where there are too many things floating around.
My mind like clear water. Different thoughts swimming.
More like the lake of Hades.
My doubts overshadowing my accomplishments.
Its these moments that i curse myself
Every time i FAILED popping up.
I am my hardest grader.
Where the rock slide of insults come from.
The coach that pushes one too hard.
Or just not the right way.
These moments when i wonder how hard things are.
And realize how hard they will get.
Or can be.
And in these moments i make the reaper grim
The deaths of my hopes gives the grim reaper
Calls and taunts. Teases and haunts.
But they're born again.
My phoenix dreams.
In these moments i kill them.
Feel they're fleeting whispers on my temple.
While i hate these moments i need them.
These moments while harsh push me.
When surrounded in darkness you jump even higher for the light.
In these moments where all i feel is sadness
I learn again and again that it is essential that i push for happiness.
When all is said and done, it is these moments that show me to burn in glory rather than perish in darkness.

To Whom It May concern( Different)

2011-02-22T11:24:00.000-08:00

I don't know when it was that I started to wonder if you were concerned.
I guess to most I may seem detached at home.
Sitting there on the computer all night with the music drowning out the world.
But your not supposed to fit into most.
Part of me wants to be left alone, but part of me wants you to wonder.
To see something other than a child breaking day.
To question the insomnia that chills on my shoulder.
Bo no. I'm greeted with a "maybe you should of went to sleep earlier."
Instead of a "why are you up all the time."
As my best friend you're supposed to dig deeper.
I feel a separation coming the closer we stay to each other.
I feel some type of what when I have to title this to whom it may concern instead of dear mother.

-interesting note... I started titling letter to whom it may concern because I saw it so much on my mother's letter to my school for various things, trips.. late notes absents ect.

To Whom It May concern

2010-12-13T08:45:00.000-08:00

The only thing I can say is sorry. I've been trying to do right by your faith in me...
Sadly I have failed. There isn't any excuse. I'm not even brave enough to say this to you. So I've left these words of apology in this. You invested in me and I couldn't even pay you back by using what you've given me. I'm angry at myself for disappointing you. I couldn't and can't focus. Its not meant to be a excuse for failing simply a fact of what is. I haven't bean able to for over a year now. I need to take a step back because I can't push forward anymore right now. So again I say sorry, but thank you so much. I'm extremely grateful for everything. Even if it doesn't seem like it.

Release

2010-11-19T02:19:00.001-08:00

Oh man.
I just need to express something.
Doesn't have to be myself
Just something
I have that itch to write
and It has me jumpin in my seat
squirmin in my jeans
Grinnin through my teeth
I can see words leaving my hands
I can't read them nor do they make sense
I just see them
Like they need to be released
I keep lookin at my palms
Like those words are gonna imprint themselves on this screen(drop)
And what else can I do but listen to the sound of the keyboard
And(Rain) bob my head
This writin is lyrical
Musical
This shall be incomplete
because I feel incomplete
Needing to write, but havin no idea what to say
its like itchin somewhere, but not knowing where to scratch.
I needs me some worded release.

Fail of the Day

2010-09-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

Night Time

2010-08-29T00:34:00.000-07:00

It's heart beats under my feet.
I'm owing this street.
Mines to play with
Mine to beat.

Its always there; pulsing
Alive and loud.
Hectic and flowing.
Glowing.

Inviting the skyline to join it's rhyme
And its allure came with time
and who am I?
To deny myself this city grind

Its always here beckoning and calling
Its song playing my ears
while I peddle feeling it shift beneath me
Greedy

When I ache for that night life theme
pushed and pulled towards that nightclub scene
But I refuse
And enjoy this night time dream

This moon and this city is a rush
And I can't get over it
Not gonna let it slip away
Remaining a wanderer at night and a school girl by day

Baby goodness :3

2010-07-30T16:26:00.001-07:00

A little glimpse of Crazy

2010-07-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

I want someone to go, "Are you ok?"
So I can scream and blow up.
No im not ok!
I want to scream and cry.
Pull out my hair and laugh at the same time.
All of this hidden by a tired look.
Look into my eyes and you'll see this glimpse of crazy.
I want to bend something till it breaks before I do.
Im sleepy and im slippin.
I can't be bothered with spelling grammar.
I need to make my point across.
I am fucked up.
And I don't know how.
I'm confused and nothing makes sense.
My sense is senseless.
I feel like a painting of a collage.
Made to not fit together.
Almost but not quiet there.
And If I pull out anymore hair!
There will be more than a little glimpse of crazy to see.
I have issues.
Don't we all?
Yes you too. You little seemingly perfect bastard.
I hate you. Well me...
No no. Definitely you.
Well I don't hate you but im confused.
I said that earlier right?
These emotion... Can I break them?
Do they crumble?
Break apart like boulders.
Maybe not. They suck.
They all suck. Even the good ones.
They never last forever.
One thing does though...
This glimpse of crazy.
This crazy. It definitely does.
That sucks too...

The Stupid Things

2010-06-26T00:24:00.000-07:00

So I'm on youtube looking at a video of The L Word. For all who don't know it's a show about gay people. But anyway I'm looking at the video and for some unknown reason I decided to look at the comments. I don't know why I do. All they do is make me laugh and piss me off all at the same time. Two things I should never read comments on is certain rap music and gay things. For some reason those two topics tend to attract the attention of people that don't like it. I'm looking at the video of the L Word and in the comments is things about religion and how being gay is a sin yadda yadda. My question to these people is... by watching the video aren't you taking interest in it? Or something like that. I can't reli understand why someone would want to watch something just to comment badly on it. And the excuse, "I'm just trying to help you find god... or whatever." I'm so tired of it. I mean I can deal with the preaching on the train because I believe that as long as they reach at least one person then their goal is accomplished, but on a gay youtube video? I'm sure, "You being gay is a sin and your going to hell." Will make anyone just stop what they're doing and march back on the 'right path.' Yeah.... Like anything is being taken seriously on youtube comments. If you feel that strongly about it march into a LGBT place and tell them.

It just annoys me that people just can't leave other people alone. If they want to be gay and merri LET THEM. If they're not tryna grab your ass shutup and leave them be. It doesn't effect you in any harmful way. If you don't like the fairies heres a thought.... leave. Don't watch the video. Don't go on the site. Don't listen to the music. Don't eat the cake. No one is forcing anything on anyone. All these religions focus on love and happiness. Forgiveness too. And for some reason we can't even seem to get those basics down...

2010-04-02T06:28:00.000-07:00

Babies

2010-04-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

Acapulco

2010-03-02T17:10:00.000-08:00

Acapulco

This song is the summary of how how I feel at the moment. Very Laid back and calm. relaxed. It doesn't get at the tired part of me that's been taggin along this whole day, but that's fine. I'm really likin this song. Reminds me of this game named Yakuza. They play a song like this at one of the main bars you go to in the game. Very relaxing. I'd go to a place all the time if they played music like this. That just reminded me. I want to become a regular at a bar. Like the people you see on t.v shows where they're madd cool with their bartenders. But I don't drink so maybe Dave and Busters lol. Or some arcade. Or a lounge. I think I could pull that off. With a laptop and maybe my psp back awwwwww man! I'm in there. I need a hang out spot. Somewhere other than someone's house. It'll be interesting once I find one. For the days when the weather is too much to be outside. I have found my mission! :D

This Anger

2010-02-18T19:38:00.000-08:00

I clench my jaw and mind since I dare not my fist.
I feel this feeling swell within me.
It sometimes brings tears to the corner of my eyes.
Sometimes My fist do close and I have to calm myself.
I simply open and close them over and over as a smile attacks my face.
I need to hit something.
To punch someone.
To kick my bed railing into the familiar dent in my wall.
I need my physical escape that is becoming harder and harder to obtain.
Fights are no longer an option.
And sometimes I wish I were ignorant to the reasons to fight.
Wish I could go back to the point where a step on my shoe could get my fist swinging.
The wrong words could get you chocked.
And yes this may seem a bit brash
But everyone forgets...
I'm a very violent person.
And very few know of this because I've tamed most of my violent ways.
But with every time that I lose to this Anger and punch my computer screen
There is more moments when I just try to let it go for the moment.
And it builds.
I feel it.
Inside me ready to break at any. Given. Moment.
And I fear that moment.
I push it away and welcome it at the same time.
Like peeing on yourself.
An unwanted release.
Good for the moment, but bad every time after.
And things are becoming harder to control.
Missing due dates- A bit of my hair is pulled out.
Computer messes up- A slip of the tongue.
Spelling errors- I bite my lip
After awhile I see the results.
There is enough stranded hair by my keyboard to rival that on my head.
And the fact that its not something I'm aware of doing
frightens me as much as it angers me.
Failing to catch my hand in time I almost broke my screen.
Almost because I reduced my force.
And I love it and hate it at the same time.
Catching myself.
Calming myself.
Sometimes I just want to stay mad.
To punch something and break it.
To kick something and feel it crack.
But the Anger is always outweighed by the reality of things.
As that happens more and more over the years
I know its a good thing,
But I don't know if...
If.. I want that good thing to continue.

Can't write my paper but I can post wtf?

2010-02-18T18:52:00.000-08:00

I just feel like writing about all the things that's bothering me at the moment and so I'm going to. First off this all started with Monday when my body decided that it didn't want to freakin sleep till 4 in the morning when I had to get up in time enough to be to class for 9:45. My school is not anywhere close. So I force myself to wake up and my body didn't even want to move. It felt like I crashed and I hate that. Then oddly I don't remember anymore of Tuesday. I think I came home and took a nap. Yes! I took a nap from about 2 to 4:30 and that is all I remember until I wake up tired on wednesday as well. How wonderful right? Well on wednesday I go to school to find out that I have two essays due 2day(which is the next day) I hadn't even seen one of the essays and so I'm like shit. What can ya do. I get home and check out the crap I have to do. Its not much just something I didn't want to find out last minute I had to do. Especially with my being so damned tired. I was too tired to freakin sleep! To tired to see. I hate being that tired. Its annoying when I need 2 do shit. And there was deff.. shit I needed to do. And now I'm getting pissed by every little thing. Well last night I figured that I probably wouldn't get any work done in that tired state(Its pissing me off how bad my spelling is.) So I took a risky step and went to sleep semi early and I say semi because it takes me fucking forever to fall asleep. I love it. So I was supposed to wake up early and I did, but then the migraine hits me. OOOO I shoulda seen that one coming. And so I finally get up around maybe 8 and begin(knowing I had to leave the house around 10) And My dumb ass couldn't get started on the paper until around 10. Two swift words and I left for school immediately. The more I started to think I was pissed. Mad for a few reasons. One that my 'friends' didn't tell me I had 2 papers due. The other reason was that my first reason, while i can be mad about it, was bull because its not their responsibility to tell me about that in the first place. So then I'm back to being mad at myself which causes all sorts of cute little thoughts in my head. And so now I'm mad that I'm stuck in my little way and that I have to get out of it. My biggest thing is that I'm a big baby and I have to change and I don't want to. I hate how things are set up and I only hate them because that system doesn't fit me. I'm lazy and I want things to be in my face because its easier then having to shuffle through all the shit its hidden behind and in between. And so now today I'm supposed to email the papers in which when I came home I had to write(Still fuckin tired btw) and I pulled up what I started and was again too tired to think of words. So I opted to take a 20 minute nap. Yippie! And now it's 10. That nap was at 6 going on 7. I love life. Especially since I still have a headache. Two papers to do and a pain in my chest. Freakin beautiful. I need handball in my life. And my mother's secret stash of no doze hehe. Or that 5 hour drink. That one's easier to find so I think I shall indulge in that.

-Later Days

2010-01-26T19:38:00.000-08:00

Jacket

2010-01-19T04:53:00.000-08:00

There are many purposes for a jacket
There's many things they can be used for
Mostly to shield you from things
To shield your body from the cold
~~To shield friends from the truth~~
Much like hiding
To hide your laundry day shirt
~~To hide your actions~~
Was I hiding? ~~Or was he hiding me?~~
Upholds a false image
To isolate us into groups
Hiding in plain sight
Covering your actions.
Their eyes hidden from my rejecting face
But one thing a jacket can't do
It doesn't protect
Shields breaks
Hidden things can be found
But protection... That's different
No holes. No cracks
The faults only in the protector and the protected.

I'm So Imperfect

2009-12-31T03:41:00.000-08:00

I'm so incomplete
Like a half written story
With a deep plot, but no growth
Like butter with no toast.
Like a cold drink, a wooden table and no coast.
I'm so imperfect
Like a constant writer
Who often falls short for words
.
.
.
.
.
Ew....
A broken mirror with half written words.
Showing part of the truth
With a incomplete message of all importance
Transparent but dust makes it shifty
Sometimes content
Sometimes worn
Always feeling.
.
.
.
.
.
I'm just not feelin it...

That word I want to use

2009-10-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

There has been so many times that I've wanted to use that word
To say it and have a personal meaning like b4
For all the times we've headbutted each other
For all the times you've made me laugh
For every time you said I kicked you out of the bed
I just want to use that word like everybody else
I want you to be here to claim your title
To wear your crown
Many can try but never replace you
They say I'd make you proud and it makes me cry every time
I know you wouldn't want me to
But I never thought that the dictionary in my head
would have that definition erased.
It was stuck in my silly little head
That I could call to you anytime and you'd be here to answer forever
So instead I hold onto my little bit of ignorance
And at night when I go to bed
When everything is dark and as quiet as ever
I whisper: Goodnight Daddy

Thoughts of the hopeless

2009-09-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

So again here I am and i may or may not end up writing a poem about this. I'm not venting this time, but just writing how I feel... Somewhat. So today I had class. English and humanities and I went downtown. Everything was kool and I played handball. I felt alive and good once I got back into my flow. Its been so long since I've played and I was really shitty at first. But I kept playin and got better. Well started almost playin how I used to. So I see a few people I haven't seen in awhile and meet up with a friend. I asked him and he read to me the comments my professor left on my english paper and I don't know why, but I just got like... really sensitive over it. I usually feel so great after playing handball, but I don't remember feeling that usual high. Just the before sore tiredness right now. Things just feel so different. On my paper I don't know why, but all those comments that I couldn't read (kuz I suck at reading script) made me so damn touchy. I'm usually very open to critisim... well more open then I think I actually should b. Somebody says lets change this and I usually shrug my shoulders and say ok. I hate when ppl want me to expand on things. And I really don't know why what was said on that paper made me so angry kuz in all actuality I didn't even think it was understandable with me writing it at 4 in the morning and all. But I feel like I have to do the whole paper over... Like everything I've been doing so far was nothing. I didn't feel hollow but a different kind of empty and for a while all ambitions left me. It actually felt like I had a wall guarding the fact that I had none and didn't want to do anything and for a second that wall broke. Forcing me to feel that I actually don't want to do anything. I don't want to write in my future. Nor make music or games. Or even play them. I don't want to help people with their personal problems so I'm lost as to what I'm doing in college. I have no goal, but to just finish. It isn't like high school where I can just barely get by and finish it. I have to have a focus and whatnot now. I don't want to focus on anything. I don't even have a clue as to what to focus on. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of school and all the things it asks of me. Yes. Very tired. I don't care that I have it easy compared to most ppl anymore. Let me just be tired. Stop comparing me. If I wasn't so hellbent on not crying before anyone I would right now. I had always said that I just need to get through school so I can do what I need to do, but I don't even know what that is anymore. Its bad enough I can't focus when I have my incentive, but how will I do it when I have none. And another thing... I have almost always tried my best. I have always tried to make it seem like I didn't do as good as I could so doing better is not an option 4 me. I'm just not feeling things today... I have no idea why I feel like this, but I'm a bit scared.

And so I'm sitting

2009-09-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

I'm in this hard wood chair
In this hard wood room that I've stumped mt toe on on more than one occasion.
And I can't think of a damned word to write but these now
And it irritates me
How I can only write when I get the need to
When that sensation overwhelms me
Mostly when I have no way to jot down the thoughts
Which annoys me to no end
Why does it seem like whenever I try I can't
So Imma keep kickin out thoughts till one kicks me back
Because I'm not please with myself.
Its not that there's lack of inspiration
But that I'm dullin too much to notice.
So who am I going to blame?
No one?
The fact that this is no ones fault stays in my mind
But it doesn't feel right not blaming no one for this trash
Seeping through the tip of my fingers
On this key board
In my pencil
Through my nerves that transport thoughts if they do.
In my mind
With no purpose in mind.
In thought or even in this realm
School telling me that there's a process to writing
Which I somehow ignore every time I put words to some paper or screen.
Writers keep their purpose in mind
Keep the audience in mind
Keep their word choice in mind
Keep their tone in mind
But I do none of that
So is it that I'm not a writer or someone is lying?
Is there some type of exception that I don't know about but seem to be apart of?
Maybe, but hey, since when do I like to follow people
This isn't the first and no where near the last
but just a process I guess.
And not some purpose, tone minding writer
but my own
Crazy, unbalanced and personal.

Warning: Don't mess with the natural order!!!

2009-08-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

Ok... This post is me venting... Kuz PPL is messin with the order of things.

Ok... So I get up yesterday after being up for awhile and I might have been on the computer I hear a knock on my door. My cousin gets it and my brother is there(The youngest of them all.) He comes in the house right when my cousin decides(First time I spelled that right on the first try) that she wants to make waffles. I love waffles like life itself. But that was only two little waffles(With my little mix of chocolate thx to a certain teacher for putting me back on my rightful path of chocolate syrup) meaning that was only gonna hold me for so long. Later on in the day I get hungry again, but I was fine because I remember that mommy cooked chicken the night before that. Mmmm chicken. So here I was looking forward to some good chicken and a little of the stuff from that night's adventure only to find my fridge empty of the desired treasures. I blink a few times and close the fridge and open it again hoping that i was just buggin. I open it again only to see that indeed there was no food left. This time I stand in front of the fridge with the door open and ponder how this could be. There's always leftovers... Always. Then I think two extra big fat asses ate with us that night and with my crushed little self I sank back into my computer chair wondering what it was that I was going to eat. As time passed I kept going into the kitchen and like all ppl that live in this hood I opened the fridge every time hoping to see something new. Something quick and good to eat. Yes we have other stuff in there but nothing really.... really...instant. We've run out of noodles sadly. It is summer and my stomach acts up plus with the monthly friend right under me my options were limited. Mad that I had no quick food I start yelling(to no one in particular since the criminals were no where near the crime scene) about chicken. And my cousin goes, "Oh you was lookin for the chicken? You should of told me." I instantly started glowing. If someone told me to go to anyone of the many religious places that there are to pray I might of actually said yes at that moment.(I have nothing against religion and there place of worship I just stay away most of the time) She(my cousin) Walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge and showed me this huge piece of aluminum foil. By that time I felt like a starved orphan that had been deprived of food for a week. I opened it so hopeful and grateful that there was a little left from these beast here only to find that that huge piece of foil contained the smallest piece of chicken. I was a little upset but ate it none the less. I was starving so I ate it cold(I felt sorry for the chicken after the deed was done. Poor chicken) But you know what caught me? There was a chicken bone attached to the chicken.. Well less like attached and more like smashed together with the chicken(before I ate it.. I skipped a part) which I quizzed my cousin on. Her only response was, "That's all you're brother left. He said he didn't want it anymore." Then I took some kool aid from that night that I made and got full off of kool aid. I was curled up on my bed starving because I was too hungry to move. My mother finally cooked after getting mad at me for being hungry kuz I could of cooked... Like I could stand straight long enough to set it up. Anywho she finally cooked and I ate and felt so goooood. After the food was put up I relaxed a bit as I thought about how good that would be to eat for lunch the next day. My mother made these type of noodles just the way I like em(which I forgot was up there or else she might of had to cook something else) She barely makes those noodles for me tho. So My brother comes over again and I told that fat bastard not to eat up the food. Not like the fucker listens but I didn't really think about it. So I wake up this mornin(My last day of freedom since I start skool 2morrow) to my cousin who made breakfast... It was kinda like breakfast in bed. I love her at times. So after I get up to take my dishes into the kitchen I check the fridge to make sure that all way is order for later for my mid day snack. I am a fat ass yes, but I limit myself to only eat things that wouldn't stop other people from being fat ass. Mainly I eat my own CLAIMED food. I felt insulted to see that opps his big ass done did it again. He was seriously fukkin with the order of things. He don't live here. So now I have my idea... Imma make my plate for the next day the same time as the first for that night. And if he eat my food again Imma stab him in his damned ankle with the blade that I showed him. I may be going through a little emotional stride, but I don't care because either way he is still messin with the order of my fat assery and I don't like it....

Quote: "Samantha you're fat." I stop and look the idiot up and down as I reply, "Yea. So? I don't care because when I die they're not gonna put me on a scale and say that if I'm over 200lbs then I'm going to hell... Besides, I'm going to hell anyway."

mary Kay

2009-06-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

Mary Kay

Men Among Theives To Thoughts Among Dreams

2009-06-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

Looking over your words I can't help but be moved to thought as you talk about those who moved you one way and then went another. I want to convince you that I'm not like that because I am a friend that cares, but you are a bit more important to me than you should be. I am young and still discovering myself and emotions. I may seem as if I get things so clearly, but problems are always easier to solve when they're not yours. I understand math more than I understand myself but in the back of my mind at night I say all the things to you that I'm too scared to say in the light. You seem so much more put together than myself and I feel as if I should take a step back to get your whole picture. Its hard to step in now or at all with out jumping to far and I can't save you because it may come off another way. I like not trying to save me and maybe you from being hurt. Sad that things seem easier that way. Too bad that it's not...maybe. I hate when your upset and it drives me mad when people make you want to stay to yourself because you say some insightful shit. Just remember that I'm only here to listen when you want to talk and fuck ppl up when they piss you off.

I love this poem

2009-06-08T05:44:00.000-07:00

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
( David Romano )

When tomorrow starts without me
and I'm not here to see...
If the sun should rise and find your
eyes filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today...
While thinking of the many things
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you...
And each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me, too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand...
That Jesus came and called my name
and took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready
in heaven far above...
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart...
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.

Something More

2009-05-23T23:56:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting up at 2:59 in the morning feeling all the things I chose to ignore all because I woke up to a song that damn near makes me cry. Its called Something More by Patti LaBelle and the song by itself is a really strong song and I can't seem to figure out what the something more that she want is. But I guess that's because I'm too young to know. And that picks at my mind. At first I tried to go back to sleep as I always do when I first get up. Especially at 2:30 in the morning. I figured out that, that wasn't going to happen so I pressed play on my phone and in this silent night The words:
You're sweet, I crave your touch
We make good love
But sometimes that's not enough
Even though you're good to me
And another woman would settle for less
There's something I must confess

And I know its a strange song to remind me of this but it reminds me of my father, but not really him. But it reminds me of the day I went to his grave. I missed the funeral and all that because I found out that he passed about a week later after he actually did. So Me, my mother and my Aunt sister went to the gave later. I don't really remember when, but it was back when my mother had the car and she had my favorite... Our favorite Patti LaBelle CD, Timeless Journey. And being one of my favorite songs I went to play it while we were driving through looking for the right stone with his name on it.(Turns out he didn't have one. Just a indent in the dirt with a whole bunch of roses in it. I wonder who was there?) But as the song started to play and I sat back and started to relax my Aunt turned it off and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why. I think my mother was already out of the car before I even turned the music on, but my Aunt told me that my mother couldn't listen to Patti LaBelle then. That it reminded her of my father, but I though she was talking about that song specifically and it confused the hell outta me, but now it doesn't really. Then I didn't know what something more meant which made me flat out think that she wasn't happy with him so I sat back and lay down in the back seat waiting to get out and search again. But now I think if something more means marriage then I'm perfectly fine with her attaching him to that song. I don't know why they didn't. I think I know, but I was always happy with the way things were and never really asked questions. Which is pretty much why I'm disconnected from his side of the family completely. I never really had that big gaping hole feeling, but I did hate doing the family tree project. I have no way of finding out anything about them. The only person that connected me to my father(Other than himself) Was my brother Raymond who disappeared off the fucking earth the night he told me my father died. I though he went upstate or to Washington(I can't remember which) like he said he was because he was pissed about the way decisions were made about our father and that he had no say. Like two three years later I get a call in the middle of class from my mother and she puts him on the phone. I cry while I'm on the phone and leave school. I think. I don't really remember. I just know I got home and he told me how he found me.(He knew where my uncle lives... The place that's now gone) So he says that he's now gonna be in my life. I text him all the time especially during class. Found out he was upstate making a family. My one nephew that I met turned into 3 more nieces who I spoke to over the phone.(They sound so cute) And he was in my life... for like 4 months then his phone is off. Then he calls me back a few months later telling me that he had lost his phone, which is ok. It happens and this time it was a month. And as far as I'm concerned now he can go fuck himself. I'll curse him out if I ever see him again. He might hit me...Sike! My father never even hit me. Now I can get why recently he hasn't called me... He'll get some spanish ladi... My number changed, but he knows exactly where I live. I don't think I'll ever see him again and part of me is perfectly fine with that. Funny how I was extremely sad while writing the beginning... Now I'm just sorta pissed off. I went from listening to Something More- Patti LaBelle to Scary Movies- Eminem. Gotta love life :)

quote: "Someone isn't around? Consider them unlucky."

My day

2009-05-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

So... my day was the oddest mixture of hell and a bit of heaven. Well the day just started off as most do now... My post right before this was part of that morning. But as it progressed I found out a few things. Hopefully passed a class and got some clothes. Thank you for clothes. I needed some... Anyway. I also got a kiss on the cheek from a crush today. I could always tell people I wasn't crushin on this person, but I told some one today after that. I couldn't help it. The smile was there and I was so damn happy. And it wasn't a little thing of interest. It was practically nothing to them because that's the type of person they are but to me it completely offset my attitude. The smile that came over my face was I don't know. But I think that its like the second time I will ever admit that I blushed. Hope they didn't notice. The other time was pretty much the same situation with another crush. And that was the first time either of them had done that so I guess that's why the smile was there. Geez... I hate crushes... All they do is make you smile all the time to no end accomplishing no goal... Even though to them and in some ways to me it wasn't a big thing... meaning it was virtually nothing it still made me just a bit happier... Ok maybe a lot. :D And I found two songs I've been looking for since forever.... ok.. not that long... maybe like two months ago. Oh and I have another crush :-P I think... I wonder what's the difference in a crush and... Nevermind... Too damn complicated. Besides everything doesn't need a category. They're just somebody I think I like. OH! And my favorite line of today is, "Hey. You're gonna be an Aunt." Like I'm already not of 11... Guess that's being made even. Interesting.

Quote: "I don't smile because I'm happy. I smile because I have no idea what's going on."

My thoughts....again

2009-05-08T08:36:00.000-07:00

So I'm here sitting home in front of my computer when I know damn well I should be in school and for the first time I might actually not go to school from me staying home and just not going(While I'm well awake anyway.)Going to school has become one of the hardest things ever. Its even harder than doing the work they give out there. I had so much to do today. But I just got a text message saying if I don't go I will fail. Even though if I leave out now I will have missed all my classes and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get into the building, but I can't fail now. It would just be stupid...

Quote: "Cry in the rain so no one knows."

I hate depressing quotes.

"Although its but a dream, but in dreams are where the nevers are found."

"If I lose my musiq 2dai I will cry.... pray 4 me lol... And those around me.

Annoying

2009-05-07T08:29:00.000-07:00

So doing and taking part in normal day actions has become harder and more boring by the day. Even writing has become something distant. Most of the times I don't feel like playing games. And that is a problem. It is becoming difficult to entertain myself. I do dumb things when I'm bored so this is not only my problem. Its yours too... I tend to mess with people and their stuff. So help me stay occupied or prepare to be annoyed. And I can be very annoying.

The talented one

2009-04-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

I was reading up on my friend's blog and I happen to read one of the poems she wrote. I like it so much that I have to link it on my blog :) Its AJ

My thoughts

2009-03-31T00:44:00.000-07:00

Today since I've noticed that there was alot of talk on our random scanning I figured I should write about it. And I was... But while I was looking up some things on it I came across some information concerning the educational system all together. I was debating what I was going to write about so I think I'm just going to pick one statement from each thing that I wanted to comment on and write one comment on it. But this one statement made me soo mad that my hands are literately shaking. I think I'm shaking.
This is the statement: "Many education experts say that until teacher quality improves in urban schools, student performance is likely to stagnate and the achievement gap between white and minority students will never be closed." Taken from the New York Times.(New york Measuring Teachers by Test Scores by JENNIFER MEDINA)
My first comment on this is..."This is bullshit." As soon as I read this I had to say something on it. The other articles was like, "yeah, I think I'm going to come back to this." Not with this one. I can't believe people actually believe that. I know a lot of students tend to get mad at teacher when they don't get their shit done, but even they know that's their own fault. And honestly that didn't even start until I got to High School. There was both failures and successes that came out of my school and we all had the same teachers. I'm in a urban area. My area is one of the top 5 areas that most people in Rikers comes from. I had damn good teachers and the reason why some students didn't get out either when they was supposed to or at all was because of them or their own personal problems. I don't believe that the teachers need to do better. I mean really, they don't even get paid a lot(as much as I think they should) and people want them to work as hard as they do. (Don't get me wrong people I don't like teachers) But I am all around fair and if the quality of anything needs to improve its the school itself. Not just it's teachers. Students need to step up too. And yes there are some teachers that need to up their game but most of the teachers that I've come by (hence on the... Very strong hence on the most) are good teachers. Maybe I'm lucky.

Oh,There's this other article that is talking about giving teachers pay and tenures based on how their students do on test plain and simply. And they're also going to use something called micro-targeting. You look it up and let me know. This next statement would hurt if I was one of the people it's talking about, "The Mayor and Chancellor see teachers as the biggest impediment to their reforms. Naturally, they’d want to weed out the biggest potential critics as well as those who are merely ineffective.” NO KOMMENT...

....Talk about your parody....LMAO

Random part from a random story that doesn't exist

2009-03-12T14:32:00.000-07:00

Krystal enters the room looking nervously around hoping that nobody questioned her about why she’s there. The lights were bright and blinking. There were two women in peach uniforms sitting behind the desk having a ghetto looking conversation. She kept her head down going to her seat to get her stuff in order while closely listening to their conversation. She dug in her bag and started to search through her things as her phone rang. She jumped a little and trembled as she hurriedly got her phone. She quietly answered it with a shaky, “Hello?” She looked down at her black and red scuffed up Jordans. She listened to the voice on the other end of the phone very carefully as her friend questioned her about her location, well being and other things of that nature. Krystal gave her quick easy answers to draw attention from what she was doing and where she was going. She ushered her friend off the phone and when back to getting her things in order. She quickly turned to the door as it opened.

This pale girl stepped through the door with more bags than she can carry. Krystal watched her as she walked towards the ladies having their conversation. They both looked at her. They’re faces saying two opposite stories about the same event. One girl had a face that was very pleasant and welcoming, showing no sign of annoyance at the pause in the conversation. The other however had the look of an enraged father looking his only daughter’s boyfriend caught by surprise in her room. She drew her attention away from them just in time to catch the papers that was about to fall to the floor from her lap. While arranging her things Krystal noticed that she had finally gathered all the papers she needed. Krystal stood fixing her shirt that had somehow risen. She walked over to the ladies behind the desk and began to get everything straight about who she was going to be seeing and when. She looked at the clock on her phone, hopefully soon she thought.

At school workin mi ways

2009-03-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

So today was ok... I was good until I got bothered about my "electronic devices" Its so annoying. I hate school when somebody brings up the term "electronic devices" because they only use that term when they want you to put it away. I put it away and really got into a bitchy mood. I finally got to listen to this song again. I don't know why I like this song... Because its sick.., but it sounds nice... well the chorus does. But Im in a little bit of a better mood now. I found a site to watch videos in school ^^. And I'm also happy because it has the song Mi Love said was from her to me. :D I ish happeh now. Now i can tolerate people. Before i listened to music.. well these two songs I wanted to be left alone... I didn't want to be bothered. But Music just made me feel so much better. Love the music... cherish the music! :D Kuz without music I'd kill you :D lol... just almost playin

Just A Thought

2009-03-07T21:06:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking....
Our president is poppin...
But I'm not saying that because of what I think of him...
No sir... But because of how people are reacting to him.

I knew he was poppin when people in the hood was talkin about him without negativity.
government.... in a positive light. I knew he was poppin when they made a rap song showing some hope for politics. I honestly knew he was poppin when the hood chinese restaurant had a picture of him and his family up on the glass that you order from. He has Jehovah's Witness's talkin bout, "I really hope he can change it like he says." My sister got mad at Usher for stealing her idea for getting people to go out and vote for him.

My thoughts on him are the same but its nice to see people's reaction to him... There has been a change in saying, "The president is iight'" Before you got into a fight because nobody liked our old president and associating him with anything non-hateful would get you shot. Now saying "The president is iight'" will get you into a fight because people think he's way more than just that.

Quote: All expecting the unexpected does is make you a spaced out highly paranoid individual. Plus if your expecting the unexpected doesn't that turn the unexpected into the expected... making the term void...I could go in more but, I'm lazy ad tired.

I'm soo tired

2009-03-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

This i going to be an odd post...

I'm tired....
I'm tired of being tired all day.
I'm tired of not knowing why.
I'm tired of not knowing.
I'm tired of me waiting to write.
I'm tired of police harassing my friends.
I'm tired of feeling like I have no time.
Then I'm tired of myself for doing nothing with my time.
I'm tired of not expressing myself correctly.
I'm tired of doubting.
I'm tired of wishing.
I'm tired of waiting.
I'm tired or needing.
And I'm tired of wanting.

Quote: "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."

After these days....

2009-03-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been having odd dreams or nightmares. In the dream today it was kind of a manhunt setting except I wasn't alone. We had killed and alluded a few people and I was instructed by a boy that because I was quick that I shouldn't hide in the closet because they would catch me in there. Then we had a conversation about james patterson book, which I believe came from a conversation last night. This was right before we proceeded quietly up metal stairs to a door that led to the next room. Sadly I felt that something was going to happen and didn't voice that thought until after i started to run back. I fell back of course and kept going down the stairs only to look up and see my friend turn around but be blown up and few other people or pieces of people fly off the top of the stairs. Odd things is that I laughed when i wrote that. ANY way. I ran back as fast as I could for I knew the storm of savage killers would storm through any minute. I ran inside the closet and climbed to the top after shutting the door. I was the last one left and I really didn't have time to think about that seeming as how I was wondering how to get past the hundreds of people trying to kill me. As time passed I sat there until it was extremely quiet and then got myself down. I decided I had to sneak past them all and kill as many as possible to survive, but as soon as I poked my head out the door with a gun in my hand ready to shoot any and everybody there stood a lady that look like this lady named Valarie from my school. Now as pretty as she is, in that dream she looked scary and crazy as she smiled and shook her head no as if to say bad move as she moved towards me with a cake in her hand. It hand pink frosting and looked like a birthday cake for a little girl but somehow I knew it was a bomb. I initially tried to shoot her but all that came out was little bubbles that looked like spit. I had to come to terms with death in a dream... It was either be killed by her bomb or be killed by the mass amount of killers who would rampage this area shortly after. So I sat next to her... and for the first time I tried to wake myself up(half assly) and failed. Good thing I don't know what it's like to be blown up or that might have hurt. And that's one of the more subtle dreams. Then theres the actual nightmare where thoughts in the back of my mind come to surface and i feel everything and I wake up shaking. The bad thing about this nightmare is that when I wake up it feels like theres some one behind me. Even when I have nothing on my bed. Thats the main part that bothers me and I don't know if thats common. But then I have other odd dreams... none is coming to mind atm but they're weird. I remember I had a dream that forced me to believe in myself... or pushed to into a corner. I don't really know the difference in that one. You tell me. Ok so this is wat it was...: I was trapped in a invisible box inside an empty store. Now I hate being trapped somewhere. I don't like being forced to do or not do something. So I struggled and struggled and struggles until I broke out of the box by pushing past the wall. I think it had to do with a mixture of me realizing it was a dream and I have power over my thought(which I struggle with some times...more at that point) and...yea.. that lol. But I finally pushed past it and felt free. I started jumping on rooftops and flying. All at night... That was one of my favorite dreams. :D.... Ok thats enough about dreams...

Quote: All things pass.. so make sure they know and remember your damn name.

2009-02-07T08:06:00.000-08:00

I'm trapped or imprisoned
by these doors and 4 walls.
And I'm limited by these limitations
Set forth by someone or something unknown
When I'm up I walk
And when I'm sleep I fly
When I doze I see
And when I wake I'm blind
You see cause I can draw up people
And when I dream make them come to life

Where I'm From

2009-01-25T23:07:00.000-08:00

I'm from the place of oodles of noodles
The place of Skelly courts and handball
Basketball sounds is my alarm clock
The police is the snooze button
RnB rap reggae and soca dress me in the morning.
Manhattan skylines are out my window.
Close as if I can touch them in the morning as the sun rises over the buildings.
Walk in to the kitchen I see walls that reflect every house in the building
I smell bacon emerging from the microwave as I look into the home of kool-aid
I enter the living room of generations
To blast the same song that echos through everyone ears in every house
I walk back into my kitchen
And look back in my fridge as if hoping to see something new.
I leave my house and get in the elevator with each floor being a different smell
Fried chicken, curry, ribs, fish, macaroni and cheese... so many
Step out a broken metal door with a magnet that don't work.
See the area that looks like a mini family reunion
Little kids running around. Parents yelling to get their point across.
Older kids running police following. Onlookers being nosy.
See the same group of people that you hang out with every so often.
Its night time and you feel the wind picking up
You watch those sexy figures pushing and shoving playing basketball.
Well Some sexy and some you just wonder why. Can't help it
You feel the vibrations in the air from all the moving on the ground.
You hear echos of a fight breaking out
Already expecting to hear rings in your ear.
Just move to the next basketball court or sneak in and out of the fight area
Whichever happens you still get a good show.
Meet up with your friends, hang out some more.
Get tired spilt your ways and go in the house
The window becomes your eyes and ears to the live hood
Whatever happens, happens and you go to sleep to wake up and do it again.

~The Prexous Dark Diamond Angel~
~Angels Sit On Klouds~ But not this one

second chances

2009-01-25T08:41:00.000-08:00

I've been given a chance
And then another one
And I can't understand why
I'm telling them I'm not ready
I let them know that I can't
There's disappointment in these fingers
And this mind won't make you proud
So please stop with this faith
That I don't understand
And stop with this trust
That I haven't earned

Its too early to be writing lol. I just woke up and this was the first thing that came to my mind.(And yes I get up play my game in my room and then get on the computer) Its a habit :-P But it really is too early. I didn't expext to wake up at this time. I'm so shocked lol.... Latre People

2009-01-24T20:24:00.000-08:00

How easy would it be to disappear
Could I tuck my head in between my legs
And pray to turn invisible
Could I stick my head underground
giving me the feeling that i'm in the dark
and my body doesn't exist
could I sit in one spot long enough
Till people forget I'm there
They disregard me already
So what the hell are they looking for when they see me
What do they hope to gain when I speak
I'm already invisible to them so why don't they just completely act like it
I'm only seen when they want something
What the hell are they searching for?
And seems like invisible people have all the answers
because we have invisible words
which people shape to be whatever it is that they want to hear
And then your slapped with the fact that...
Its not easy to disappear.....

my question is: what the fuck did I do? i really wish they would tell me kuz this shyt aint fair.

older things

2009-01-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

I wanna tell but looks deceive
I wanna act but fears proceed
I'm lookin back all eyes on me
I'm nervous and bittin on my sleeve
I'm skippin service no rights for me
And I'm tryna change waiting patiently
But its still the same so I try to leave
So I takin all the blame till I leave finally

A past journal entry

2009-01-22T09:32:00.000-08:00

I have a lot on my mind lately. They're causing me to have a lot of strange feelings and its kind of leaving me lost. And its weird when you feel strangely about something that most people don't know about or care about. Now I have to learn about the Asia-Africa relationships. I want to know how they are towards each other in general. Like I already figured that America has no friends , only allies. They mutual relationships with people and they wont help unless its it benefits them. I also figured out from talking to my sista that even if we stayed together as Pangea we would still be class divided. Maybe we'd be without all the slave stuff, but we would still end up somewhat like this. We'd all just be a lot closer. I mean there would be some big differences but the main class thing is given. We figured that one must win and one must lose. One must be rich and one below. Equality can not be. When people say they want something most of the time they don't mean it for it's full meaning. If people want to make everything equal we'll be running around with a bunch of retarded people because technology isn't advanced to make everyone smart. It's quiet sad really. For people to go around saying that my generation isn't smart people as a whole arent that bright either. But putting all that aside... Well not all of it but most of it. But the whole race thing is just enough to make me start to cry. I mean its like being.... no its just that. Your being taught something all your life and then you find out it was all based on something just to put you under. Or to be told that it actually doesn't exist. "Thats madd brazy" And these are just the really general things going through my mind. Wow I'm saying this...well writing this like this is an actual person. Well it is in a way. Is a book meaningless if nobody reads it? So all it is, is a message holder. A way to say words without actally saying them. I smile when I think of that.

Wow...Looking back on the things I wrote years ago makes me think... I used to think about these things? I guess I was involved in more things then. Now all I think about is the massive amount of work I didn't do..shoulda did and have to do. I haven't been having those conversations with my sistas that talk about life and society in some deeper meaning. All I've been doing is sitting for hours trying to do work, but not getting any done because I see how much I actually have to do.

thoughts at 1:27-49 in the mornin

2009-01-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

At this point and time I have so many things going through my head. I amaze myself at how much I think about conversations I've had and what I get from them. As usual I wont be writing the main things things I want to write about because I never work that way but I am going to write about something important in my head. I've said it in my head a lot and maybe a little out loud to myself but...hmm I just lost how I was going to word it. But I know that things I'd rather not think about keep popping into my head. And when I think about it I'm reminded why I always kept to myself. I'm more open that I'd like to be and I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep to myself. That is a problem for me. I'd rather not speak and I wish from the pit of everything that I hold dear that I was a quiet person. I wish....I wish that I could change a lot of things about myself but it's not gonna happen. Sometimes I just want to sleep forever but its not that I want to die just that I don't want to think. I don't wanna remember and I don't wanna talk. At times I feel like I'm just taking up space. Ah... I should of went to sleep earlier because I'm tired now.

Quote: Life is like school...It test you over and over.

Hiru No Tsuki

2009-01-18T19:13:00.000-08:00

This is a song from my past. And it makes me cry when I hear it in English and just get silent when in Japanese. Its so beautiful. The English text to text translation is beautiful as well. There's a different translation from text to text and from song to song. The song is called Hiru No Tsuki or Melfina's song from an anime called Outlaw Star.

In Romaji its(just the Outlaw star ending):

Oto no nai mahiru
Kaze wa tada akarui
Sukoshi nemutasou ni
Hanabira ga yureta
Nani ge nai kono omoi
Nee, hito wa donna kotoba de
Yondeiru no
Shiroi suna no tsuki
Toji kometa hanashi o
Hikari furasu you ni
Kikasete ne sotto

And translated its:

One soundless midday
The wind was fresh and clean
And the flower petals
Swayed as if they were asleep
This serene feeling...
Tell me what's the name people give it?
Tell me a story
That's locked away
In the white sand of the moon
Let me hear it as gently
As light shining down.

And when she sings it, it goes:

I don't know
What words I can say
The wind has a way
to talk to me

Flowers sleep
a silent lullaby
I pray for reply
I'm ready

Quiet days
Calms me
Oh serenity
Someone please
tell me
hmmmmmm
what it is they say
Maybe I will know one day

I don't know
What words I can say
The wind has a way
to talk to me

Flowers sleep
a silent lullaby
I pray for reply
I'm ready

I was odd

2009-01-13T14:30:00.000-08:00

I wanna write something.
And not just anything,
But something that says something meaningful.
I want heart rates to speed up at my work.
And I wanna give life to my ink
so my paper becomes life itself.
I wanna see the words inbetween the words
and I want others to understand them.
I want the pulse to echo echo
Like thunder at night time while your sitting in the car
and paranoia picks at the back of your mind about the road ahead.
And I want you to think of my words.
I want them to play through your mind
Till they spill out of your mouth by accident
but surface to other minds on purpose.
And I want truth in my lines.
Maybe not for me but for you
Kuz me writing this I realize
And its ok stuck in my mind
but it doesn't do a thing ringing off my walls.
So speak when not spoken to
Listen when they aren't speaking
And act when out of place
kuz that's where the attention is

The Dayz

2009-01-12T06:57:00.000-08:00

Today I'm pissing millions of people off one after the other and I'm enjoying myself. I'm in a good mood. And now I'm doing my work so people calm down. Yesterday I role played and my friend watched and it was fun. It was good as well because she gave me ideas on what to write.

Kitty: Ichira: *smiles weakly*...Y-yeah...:Ketsueki: *walks back with two dead demons over his shoulder*...*blinks* "You girls look comphy." *smiles* :Haitori: *sleeping*...ZzZz...@_@
Angel: Midori looks at him, "We're gonna eat a demon?!....as long as I don't sick. Your carring me if I do." Midori gets up and lays Haitori down and walks by kage and pokes the dead demon. Duran looks at Ichira, "I wonder what they're up to"
Kitty :Ketsueki: *sets the demons down and laughes abit* "We eat em in our village all the time don't worry." :Ichira: "Well if he's trying to win her over...food will definitly do from what I know..." *blinks*

Angel: Duran laughs a bit as well. "Food is the key to everything." Midori looks at him and rubs her stomach.."OK...I'll take your word for it." She smiles.

Just my fingers moving

2009-01-06T13:05:00.000-08:00

I just feel like typing. Its a lovely feeling. I think its partly because of the song I'm listening to. Its called "Only one way up" The beat to this song is sooooo poppin its krazy! Its just makin me wanna write. I just feel oddly happy. I don't even know what I'm happy about. I have a good feeling, but it's odd. It feels like something is going to happen. Not something good but not something bad either. I think its going to be something I'm satisfied with. I feel like I need to write, but I don't know what I need to write about. Like I just need to keep typing. It just feels good. Like the first time I got my computer and was able to type on it without my hand cramping. I just feel odd. If i saw somebodi that was acting how i feel on any other dai I might be disgusted. I find this very funny. I have the type of speed with typing like when I'm having a conversation with people. Maybe faster since I'm messing up as much as I am. I wrote that sentence without messing up. Not this one tho. I felt proud of myself for a short moment. I think Imma stop, but oddly I don't wanna. Its not really odd but I like that word at the moment since it sums me up at the moment. I need to type more and this is sad because it's the one time when I don't know what to write about. This is making me laugh on the inside. Ha Ha. I need to find something to write my geez. Its funny I don't feel creative in any way but just like I need to type.

Another day of looking pt.8

2009-01-06T12:54:00.001-08:00

Well I think I'm liking how some things are turning out. This college stuff has been iggin me for awhile. Like really running my mind. I don't no how many days I've sat in front of my computer looking at the screen trying to do work. The day everything was due I actually felt good. I have to thank unsaid persons again, but it kind of felt good to actually get work done. After so many days of trying but doing nothing it felt good to do something. Then I thought it was done but it wasn't and again the looking at the screen again started. I'm lazy again. Oh Boi. Things have been kalmly quiet lately and I like it. I mean theres echoes around but the source is no where near me. It feels nice to only be able to write about normal aggravating things like college processes. I can smile that smile thats from somewhere inside me thats satisfied. That smile that you don't even feel yourself make. It's just nice and I'm in a good mood. Filled with emotions, but I'm still very pleasant for the moment.

Rap Quote: I'm ahead of you kuz I spit like I neva ate. And If I did I was never full.

My "Now" everyday thoughts

2008-12-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

This school year..... I could tell it was going to be a bad year. Or at least it was going to start off that way. I didn't know it would be like this. Its not all that bad but still. So many things are happening and there are so many things I have to deal with. Things I need to take care of. So many things resurfacing and not all of it said. When the school year first started it was unlike any other. I had went to summer school in the summer. It wasn't even my fault. Ya pass all ya classes so you'd never have ta go but what happens any way. Seems like there was no point to passing my classes even though there was. I had never been to summer school before and that messed with me that I went. UGH I"M TIRED OF ALWAYS HAVING SHIT TO TALK ABOUT! So annoying. This entry will be cut short because I'm too lazy to finish it but it was all going to go to the point that this college shit is stupid and I'm not sure if I'll get in(mainly because the way I am has one and I'm still procrastinating) And my retarded(i spelled retarded wrong the first time i spelled it@_@ that makes me laugh inside... I just proved myself right ha) self wont get everything done on time simply because I don't want to do it enough.
i cursed twice in this hope i can read it when I'm in school lmao.

And the quote is: The end justifies the means BUT if the end isn't what you completely want then you should get your...hm.... @$$ kicked xD

Just LikeYou

2008-12-19T09:34:00.000-08:00

You know I used to like you
And now I just fight you
But I guess I knew
Kuz I had other dudes
Just like you
And I just got another dude
Just like you
And I couldn't just like you
Kuz you just might use
My just like you
As your just right tool
So just like you
I might be a just right fool
Kuz I just might lose
My just right boo
Over ya just right move
So I just write to
escape being just like you

Poem time again?...Maybe...I think so

2008-11-28T10:12:00.001-08:00

Nothen18's IMVU Blog
04/23/08
I try to never mind it
But all I feel is hurt.
I try to look the other way
But damn I feel like dirt.
I'm cryin and I'm buggin
This sad emotion I'm chuckin
Lookin at this pain I'm duckin
Look at this situation i'm stuck in
I feel Angry and confused.
Emotions scattered and abused.
Crying brings pain
But not more than whats in my heart.
And No one's here to blame
Cuz I caused it to b ripped apart.
I've had people come and go
But nobody's just up and left
I dont know what to put right here
But I know I know the rest
I set myself for these things to happen
So fingers are pointed at myself
I was always told 2 take it like a man
but right now I need some help.
I don't know what to think
I dont even know what to guess.
I ask myself does 4 count that much
Guess the answer is a yes.

Poem time again?...Maybe...

2008-11-25T19:28:00.000-08:00

I'm closed in
I wonder
Is it that I'm enclosed with these boundaries
Or that I don't push the walls and break out
Is it that people always compare me to those greater than me
Or do I only compare myself to people that act worse
Who is right and who is wrong
How will I know if answers are only released
Through the people that surround me
Does that mean that there is no true answer
Or does that mean that people are grater than they think?

The second look

2008-11-09T22:47:00.000-08:00

All of my little few years of life I've been told that life is set up to make me fail, but also to help me succeed. I've always been told that I have to try harder and do better then most because I'm AA and because of where I come from. Things have always been extremely easy and extremely hard. Never a middle ground. And I was told it was even harder for the boys. So at one time I did always try to do my work. Big try(fell asleep doing it alot :) at least I tried) And like most of my friends I'm alot more laid back now. This still sticks to me and alot of the people that I'm around because being where we were at we were surrounded by stupid people. We did a hell of alot more than them and did no better. I did alot of work only to still be out next to stupid people that got suspended every other week. Wherever I was at it seemed like if you weren't all A's or really bad you were just stuck. And to this day I remain to be stuck. I never really stuck out, but people were always quick to correct me when i took a look that entertained the thought of me doing something that I usually didn't do. Like how I usually think about things from other people's point of view and usually end up defending other people(I hate it) but the one time I actually just want to be mad at somebody and just not care about why they acted a certain way somebody else is quick to tell me "but look at it from their side." As much as I want to slap 3 different shades of hell out of this person for acting right in character where they usually don't at the time where I usually would I have to acknowledge that they're right(doing otherwise would make me ignorant and how i loathe ignorant people) But in life there is one thing that pisses me off more than any other thing that has and could ever happen to me. I have a best friend and by best friend I mean I knew this delinquent since we was in diapers. I grew up with this boy. This fool was left back 3 times and not because he was stupid, but because he was bad. He got put in special ed because he was bad. When I was in 7th grade he was in 4th. I remember that because he transferred into my school and I can't remember how many girls started talking to me because I knew him. Now although it makes me happy to some degree(not about the girls talking to me..... Never that I hated that) it still pissed me off that now me and him are in the same grade. Not because he got his shit together, but because when he was in 5th grade he beat up the 5th graders so much that they just put him in his right grade to see if he'd still act up with the 8th graders.He beat up the 8th graders too, but he was getting older so it wasn't as much. Now he is in 12th grade. He doesn't go to school anymore though because of unsaid reasons, but still!!! I'm happy that he was given the opportunity to be on track because he is my friend, but if he was anybody else there would be no glimpse of happiness thinking back on this. How can people expect me to do good in school and get straight A's in school when things like this happen? I go to school! He doesn't. Never did like that....He gets Z's. And he's in 12th grade... I get A's at times and he gets Z's and we're still in the same grade? That's why I don't do work now. I'm surrounded very few bright people, but mainly stupid people who ask stupid questions. They complain about the work that we get in this school which in all honestly I got more in 3rd grade(seriously) and they get like 2,3 weeks to do a project. And still turn it in late and complain about it. I turn my work in late, but I do not complain about it. They wanna wait till last minute to do 5 minute work and by last minute i mean end of the marking period and talk about they couldn't do it any time earlier. I know damn well that half the work given could be done in class with time to spare. I think I should stop before I say something I shouldn't say :) School is jail for me -_-' I thank the smart people in that school that help me get through my time there. You help make the world a safer place for stupid people from people like me :)Wait I don't like ya'll anymore lol.
~We're still at war~
The quote is: "Suffer no illusions my stupid ones. I do not like you:)"

The after effects

2008-11-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

Today I spent all day in a van riding across the country. Not really but it felt like it. This time when I traveled down south was like the only time I really didn't want to be there. It was odd. Down there is like my home that I can relax more in. I couldn't relax and I couldn't sleep. Normal people would think that since I went down there for a burial that would be the reason why, but I've went down there for that type of stuff plenty of times and I've never felt like this. I liked being down there and yet I didn't and that was the first time I EVER did not want to be traveling in the slightest. Eh.... I feel as if I'm losing myself. And not in a I don't know who I am kind of way but more of a losing control type of thing. I'm wondering is this normal. I think it is because it doesn't seem like a big thing and it doesn't scare me. It kinda excites me a little bit. Odd. Hm.. I wanted to make this post more general and in me thinking i found out just how. I was going to almost kind of rant about some other stupid act this government has committed, but I stopped myself saying that I don't want to talk about it since all I'd do is rant forever and nothing happens. Then the thought came to me that, that might be why people don't let themselves care for things. Well not exactly not let themselves care but not do anything about it. To me it seems like alot of people don't know what to do to change something that they don't like. And if they do alot of people that I'm around don't think that what they do with really matter or change things. Though I know that it actually can I still can't help, but think that way as well. It makes me wonder if things were set up to make us think that particular way. I know the government does things exactly as the do to send messages that we don't really catch on to. We only subconsciously get it. That's only part of it though. I've been in alot of different programs and one that I've learned alot from is the program EOTO(each one teach one)
There I found some....stuff. Like a 14 year old on trial doesn't need a parent to make a life changing choice. They also have abandoned jails upstate that they won't close down because they're in republican areas and republicans work there so if they close down the jails the republicans wont have a job. When we went to Albany I was ready to tell them to just close down the place and send them a check to their house kuz it'd be easier and save alot of money, but sadly I couldn't say it. They spend so much money on stupidness. And its not like I can't say this without proof. The guys in Albany even said that was basically why. We did all that and nothing changed. I understand just because u ask for something doesn't mean its gonna happen, but still. That just put me in a whatever mood and reminded me all over again the main reason why I don't deal with anything political. They're all stupid... Wait I take that back. The ones that make the main decisions are stupid assholes who look out for their ppl(republicans) And with that I end. I winded up ranting anyway SmDh@myself
~We're still at war~
There is no quote...

Another day of looking pt.7

2008-10-29T08:45:00.000-07:00

This is the first of this Saga to be done in school.... I don't know why but school just gets to me. I have like mini mood swings here. Its annoying. I was ok in my house, shy and bothered by my attire when I left my house, the same when I got here and then boom. I just suddenly feel.... blah. If not depressed. I don't like 2 use the word depressed when describing how I'm feeling but nothing else seems to cover the feeling. I don't even no why. I was praised in class for the beat that I made which kind of annoyed me and I'm not going to go into why because along with this feeling comes a great laziness that I don't like. It makes me tired. But the odd thing about it is that it isn't laziness of action, but its making me lazy when it comes to thinking and explaining. I mean I'm like that in general but not this much.(OMG too much candy in the morning....Affecting my stomach and head....Damn you addiction) Like usually I would have more to say about a subject, serious or not(mostly when its serious) and I'd just say the things that would make the conversation shorter. I'm glad no one catches on....(you reading this, which I doubt, do not pay attention i'm lying) Anything and everything I can I chose carefully. I don't know why but I'm the type of person who pays attention to the words people use. And this part I can say freely because even if people did pay attention to the words that I use they wouldn't exactly know what or why i used them :D I do like certain things that I do. I guess I do try a little to be mysterious. Well not really....Thats one of those things that I do but don't notice until after exactly what I'm doing, Like I'm mindful that I'm carefully choosing the words but it doesn't really dawn on me why until after. OMG I'm sooo tired. Its making my head hurt..... I'm just glad i ain't seeing things kuz thennnnn its bad. So I'm kool. I'm gonna complain a lot on here because I'm gonna cut down on how much I complain in person. HaHa I'm gonna admit that I admire somebodi in this school. Can u guess who??? For those who don't go to this school(I don't no y ur reading this because it isn't interesting lol) but message me and I'll let u no who.....And ppl that do go here don't get slick.
~We're still at war~
The quote of this admittance is: "God likes you because he has to. everyone else just thinks ur an ass."

Another day of looking pt. 6

2008-10-27T16:14:00.000-07:00

Well I'm sitting here looking at my keyboard and again I do not feel like cooking though I am doing it anyway. Well I'm done cooking and I'm ready to sleep but my mother says I can't go to sleep until after I eat. Why it makes a difference I have no idea, but now I'm wondering about college stuff since it has taken over my mind. Well that and life questions in general. But I've actually started to semi take this college stuff a lil seriously. Bet people are glad to hear that. AWWW my teacher was soo sick. She looked so little. My mother side was about to come out. She was soo little yet a grown ladi at the same time. Odd one she is. But hm... I don't really know what else to write. I'm extra tired. I think I shall sleep now.... Food or not.
~We're still at war~
The quote of these sum of words: "Think of yourself... Think of others... Then laugh your ass off at them."

Another day of looking pt. 5

2008-10-26T18:51:00.000-07:00

Todai todai todai......was a beautiful FREAKING dai. I mean that seriously. I like 2dai.... and yesterdai..... Fridai was iight, but saturday and sunday is seeming so lovely. 1st off. I'm anticipating monday so this week went slow as hell which I love kuz I don't like school. So the longer my weekend the better. Then on saturdai I was babied which I loved. I made everyone give me hugs!!! I was around alot of people so I got a lot of hugs. :D Then I got home and Scooby-Doo came on back to back. It was on everywhere!!! Scooby-Doo movie and then Scooby-Doo2.... I was lovin it. Even though I was tired as hell I still stayed up and watched MY BOO. Then 2dai I got to sleep in late..... I woke up at a I donno time and my stomach was killin me...I was paralyzed for a good min but it was right when I waking up so that part of the day doesn't matter. I got up had me some pasta(alfredo)and got on my komputer where my friend informed me of the football game that was on with the Jets(who I like and WOn) and then another game with the Giants(who I like and who WOn) It was a oh so lovely day. I enjoyed it. I watched football allllll dai. But I'm tired..... I haven't even been up 12 hours and I ready to sleep. How shameful. I've been watching MGS stuff alllll week. And that has gotten me through some stuff. I love it. It's soooo funny. ^_^ Laughter is such a beautiful thing. Ah and on saturdai I went to a workshop and talked about what I found funny about saw to people that don't like horror movies and were eating.... It was truely lovely. WAnna know my favorite part??? Its the part where the guy had to put his hands in the glass boxes above him but the part that he had to put his hand in was like the thing that u have to put a straw in. So when he put his hand in it was like little glass triangles pointed at his wrist. So he'd try to pull his hand out and be like "ow". I found that soooooo funny. Both of his hand was in two boxes above him. So he had to just stay there. That was soo funny. Poor guy.... Nothing is ever as easy as it seems LMAO. Ok Maybe somethings..... But your being tortured.... Did you really think it'd be "that" easy. I mean come on now??? The guy who likes to play mind tricks on everybody would give u a key and the antidote that would save your life in two glass boxes and all you would have to do is stick your hand in there and pull it out??? I don't think so.... Lol I'm so mean. I haven such demented humor, but I love it. Everybody know who's gonna be the only one laughing at the movies watching SAW5..... Thats even if I go see it. I don't like 2 b scared lol. But my day was wonderful and I wish the Saw experience on no one. And I shall end my day laughing and listening to music...
We're still at war
The quote of this episode of words is: "Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity"

Another day of looking pt. 4

2008-10-24T16:22:00.000-07:00

Todai was an interesting day filled with interesting conversations. All in all todai was a good dai. I'm just not feeling good kuz I went to the wrong Chinese store and wasted 5.50 for a messed up stomach lol. I actually kind of liked todai. It was short well the school part of it was.... I have no idea why I said certain things. I no y i chose the person but not y i did it in the first place..... made me feel kinda silly :P. All I will say is that there are many things wrong but even more things right. And for todai and hopefully tomorrow the things wrong wont exist. I think about things too much. The main thing that iggs me is that I don't know exactly wat i should talk about... I don't want to talk about little things, but I don't exactly know what is little and what is big. It may seem big to me but it may actually be small. Or it may be big and I deem that other ppl may see it as small so i usually just dismiss it to the back of my head. Thats wat I do most of the time... until it bothers me to the annoying point. I have to stop doing that lol. @_@ so konfusing lol. This song has me in such a peaceful state of mind I love it. I'm madd tired. But I feel good =3
~We're still at war~
The quote of this piece is: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind"

On The Dai That Never Happened

2008-10-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

OOOOOOOOO........If your lips speak no, but your involuntary actions say yes; stop or go? Haha you ever wanted to write about something or tell somebody something that is bothering you without actually telling or writing it? I feel like that right now.... Something happened todai but it's just a little tooo personal. And this shall be pulled into the sagas of the days that never happened. Since I can no longer write about a day that never happened I have a question: If it is something that cannot be said, should it be something that can be read when written? I feel better than earlier and I have the people from my school(the class I was in when I got back) to thank for it. So thank you. Somehow being in people's company makes me feel better.
!We are still at war!
The quote of this entry is: "You don't have to love me. You don't even have to like me. But you will RESPECT me!"

Another day of looking pt. 3

2008-10-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

Well back on the Another Day saga. I want to be sleep right now.... I really do. Me and Sleep have the sort of relationship that a girl would have with a boy that she likes but doesn't like her. If you get it yay if you don't -_-' I'm sorry for those around you. But any who, today I felt like a big baby. I was perfectly fine all day.... The regular fine(Yes there is different types of fine. Ask any emo :P)
I'm not emo or anywhere close just if the thought entertained your mind. But today in my last class which was English we were working on our personal statements. Now I have not finished mines for the simple fact that I have already passed the mark for the length of it so I was going to work on how to fix it. I had my head down and then SADE plucks me in my ear.... She did this the day before yesterday too why she likes plucking me in my ear I have no idea but I was about to rock her jump. (I really don't want to be cooking right now) So after she plucked me I jumped up mostly on reflex and a little on my violent attitude towards things. I forgot about the fact that there was still computers out..... next to me. So when I got up the chair and my foot hit a wire connected to the computer. I seen Sade was damn near out the room so I just deciced to just go put my head down until it was clear for me to get a computer, but then I get yelled at my Ms. Penny(not really yelled at kuz she can't yell for the life of her) but it was a yell for Ms. Penny. I got in trouble by Ms. Penny! This made me feel like an extreme baby(I had a flash back to 1st grade) so I put myself on time out. It was one of those time outs mostly meant for you than anything else. I really didn't want to do anything after that. I kept my head down until Ms. Penny poked me asking me something about my personal essay. Askin me if I had it.... I told her it was in my locker. She asked my if I wanted to go get it.... I said no I want to sleep. She told me to go and get it so I did... I gave her the paper and went back to putting my head down. By that time she was standing up somewhere else so she didn't really bother me. I said two things and put my head back down. Next to me Sonya was talking to some ladi that DJ knows. I don't know why I think Sonya had to get something but the ladi said somethig to me and it caught me off guard kuz I really didn't expect her to say anything to me. She asked me some stuff and we spoke for very little and I told her that Ms. Penny had my paper. And right when I said that Boom! Ms. Penny starts walking over. I started saying "Oh boy she coming over here" But in the same hush voice I was using talking to the Ladi. I didn't catch her name tho so I shall give her the name...... Daddies Ladi.... Or DL short...Or D Ladi...... But then DJ might think i'm talkin about her..... My geez. Somehow tho ppl seem to know when I'm talking to them when I say ladi..... But anyway! MS. Penny comes over and was like "Are you grumbling about me walking over here?" That was the kind of question that you'd ask expecting to hear the answer no.... But I'm too honest for that. I kindly said yes. And she made me talk about the essay......As I mentioned b4 the essay was far too long and some parts had to be cut out or shortened or something and Penny was aiming on doing just that. I asked to go to the potty while she twiddled with my paper. Honestly I went straight to the office because I needed some away time from the essay talk. I didn't not want to do it and I already felt like a kid.( Did I mention how much I DON'T want to be cooking right now?) Then after I was in the office for a minute or so I went and visited Adam the computer mister. I told him about what had just conspired downstairs when Ms. Arkins the college counselor ladi came in. I was telling Adam about how I DON'T want to be bothered about anything doing with an essay when the college ladi says...." If you need an extra eye for your college paper let me know." I know she means well and so does ms. Penny which is why I have nothing against them but that really irritated me. I just say i want nothing to do with it and you offer me help for it....*sigh* I need hot chocolate. But I FINALLY go back to find out she was H A C K I N G away at the essay. And the parts that she took away was the parts that made that essay mine. I'm not all that much of a writer but I am trying to be. I'm finding my own little style and as far as I know most of my style is my way for writing how I speak. My writing is more like a conversation than anything else. After she stripped away the "unnecessary" parts. I was left with statements..... Statement after statement after statement. If felt as if the "Me" in that had just been pulled away and that made me oddly sad. I put my head down and cried a bit..... I didn't mean too..... this was all after she had walked away and such..... it felt as if somebody had taken away my favorite toy and then just left me in the corner all by my lonesome....*sniff sniff* But I had to stop quickly when I had to pick up my head from the darkness of my arms to answer the call of my momz. She new it was something wrong, but I did not give in!!! I held up strong and say nothing! When she asked what was wong I said nothing! lol(I laughed kuz of how I said nothing. It reminded me of my brother.)But I was kool...Am kool. I just don't want to do that essay anymore because it feels like I can't put me in it for it to be good and fit into what they want...... And of course some one who reads this is going to say yes i can.....but i feel that way not think that way so it's different.

We're still at war
And the Quote of this blog is: Even "If the voices aren't real they still have pretty good ideas"

OOOOO.....its poem time

2008-10-21T15:15:00.001-07:00

I'm here....
I'm here and I'm alive
Can you see these lies in my eyes
As my lies are surprised
By denial and these files that I'm spreading

I'm awake....
I'm awake and I'm looking
can you see you've been took by the taken
You look up and I'm waiting
You see smiles but I'm faking this attitude

I'm walking....
I'm walking and I observe
can you notice that you serve
You act high but you swerve
And you think you got nerve but I don't

You say that your the boss
and that your a G
but you don't see
that I'm the boss
and you work for me

Listen you've been lied to
I've turned you partners into enemies
Letting me get ahead you see
And you can't even get close to me
because I gave you the wrong key

You know the door
but you can't open it
You argue so much
you can't even get close to it

And even if you get there
you wouldn't know what to do
because your mad at one man
and the next ones' mad at you

So this is all going to my plan
because you think your the man
And with that mindset you don't understand
that you can't and I can

Which Way 2 Go

2008-10-21T14:24:00.000-07:00

I've always tried my best to stay neutral in most situations that I'm not directly in. Today I chose a side..... That makes me feel some kind of way. To keep myself, myself I have to listen to "Your Love Is My Love" by Whitney Houston over and over again. It remind me of when I was extra young and everybody would try to figure out what she said in the middle of the chorus. We of course never did because we didn't have a way of finding out other than listening to the song over and over listening to that one part. That didn't work so it's ok. I could look it up now, but I just don't feel like it. I suppose I should to put that part of my mind at ease. Ok I'm sitting here writing trying not to pay attention to how irritated I've actually become. And its time for me to change the song. I was wondering if I should go with violence in the song or sweet music..... I chose I Get High(Good Times) by Styles P. I have no idea why I love this song soooo much. I've been listening to this song ever since I was I don't know how old. Its one of those song that I heard when I was little and didn't know nothing about it. Then when I heard it later on I was in Love with it. If you understand that I'm glad because I'm not in the describing mood. OMG EVERYTHING is irritating me. I think my computer just jumped back in time because everything just repeated itself. Whatever. I'm supposed to go out with my homeboy today for his birthday.... I don't want to be unpleasant around him on his birthday. I mean I doubt I would be anyway but still. I don't even feel like going over there. I'd love to be there.....just not go there. I'll see if I go or not. I might just go be a little hoodlum today and roam the streets for awhile..... Its cold....maybe not. I think I'm gonna eat some food, eat some cake, take a nap and then eat some jello...... And then go to sleep. Playing games is gonna be somewhere in that little plan of mine...
~We're still at war....~
And the quote of this poem is: "Your just mad because I'm crazy and they still love me"

Addressing the State

2008-10-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

Hmmm......Well I was talking to my sister Terry and she actually had me thinking..... She asked me if I saw women as a minority and did I see myself as a feminist. At first the question made my head hurt, but then we started talking about it and I came to realize that I do see women as a minority in cases of power which was the context of which she was asking. I already knew that I considered myself a feminist. I met an author that was a feminist and she wrote a book on it. I wanted the book, but I couldn't buy it at the time. She had read the first few pages of it and I loved it. I wish I could remember the title of it. But yeah she also asked me if the word feminist came off as aggressive. And when I thought about it, it does. But I know about the word and feminist people and it's not what everybody thinks. Its not like " Oh we hate men. Women can this. Women can't do that." It's more like......hm.... I can't explain it well but it's not aggressive at all. I think I'm going to see if I can look up the book, but if its anything like In A Country Of Mothers I'm going to jump off my 16 floored building. But its type late.....I think I should go to bed before my mother gets home and I get a hell of a yell. O_O LOL yeah ok...... Oh the war is still on.... No battles 2dai tho.... I think I might start the book tonight......OR maybe not considering how tired I kind of feel. Night night people. Quote of the blog: "Every one is entilted to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege"

The War Is On AGAIN

2008-10-11T06:38:00.000-07:00

OH. My. EVA-LOVIN. GOODNESS. PINKHAzE is back at war. Spending money and time on warfare is not my thing but it cannot be avoided sadly. I thought that that whole block war was done with....Nooooooooooooooo. Wrong Sir! It was paused Sir. We went from jealous songs(from the biddies) to the violent songs, to the slow songs. You know the ones that talk about life and the economy and all that other stuff. Now we're on violent songs again. Only this time it's full blown recklessness. Ahh these people are going to drive me crazy. They punched my daughter in the face and tried to jump her! OMGoodness are they serious.....I think they are. They started with my little buzzin. They are so serious. They were bystanders in our war. Insurgents as the media would say. They'd be tight if we went down there and beat up their little cousins. I was ready to go!!! Not beat up the little cousins, not that I wont fight a little kid, but I was ready to break they door down. I mean I was about to before and the person next door was about to call the cops....smh@ people that don't know nothing. They had just jumped and cut my buzzin. I went to break down! that door. The mother is going to act like she didn't notice that "4." Let me say that again...."4" of her kids just snuck out the house. I've been around kids all my life. There is no way that "4" kids leave your house and you don't hear the difference.... They ain't the quiet type. Not in the slightest. This is what actually happened because we know how they get down. They saw my buzzin going about her business by herself(she was coming to find me and my sisters) and their mother sent them to jump my buzzin. Then after they did they ran their over sized selves back in the house and the mother called the police to make them seem innocent. Two cops came and we knew the mother was about to lie because she wouldn't talk to the police in front of us. I swear people these days. When the 2 cops got there at first they was neutral and then kind of on our side because we had told them what happened before she got downstairs. And when the police came to my fort in the war zone I was safely at the store :) When me and my sisters calmed down enough to be around cops and people we went back to the fort. We get and there was so many people around. Oh my geez. I thinking ok this should all be settled. Nooooooooooooooo. Wrong Sir! The police was against us Sir. My buzzin just got jumped, her knee was cut, and we was supposed to do nothing when the police wasn't going to do anything? I think not. Negative Sir. They was like 2 completely different people....I wonder what went down in that house....ewwwww never mind I really don't. But!!! This all happened over the summer. And here I thought if was gonna be over. Like I need more things more things to happen. See it wouldn't be bad if it was like one fight happens its over with. NOOOOOOOo SIR! I wouldn't mind. But no....they like to jump people, hide in their houses and if we knock on their door they pop madd ish out the window and call the police.... *sigh* Such a hassle. One time one of the girls told me she was gonna break my skull open with the bowl she has in her hand in her "window." I oh so tight one time because I went and sat on their stoop. That made them so tight, but my sisters had to pull me out of the gate and I went with them because I knew that was trespassing. I hate war and I was going to be a peaceful as possible but they're getting reckless so they must be shut down. I'm feeling mean.... First we're going to take her boyfriend away. Which is the stupid reason why it started!!! She was jealous that my sister waved to her boyfriend and said hi. How stupid is that. I guess the girl ain't like even before that or something but she just started jumping her because she's jealous that her boyfriend likes my sister more that he does her. We don't fight over no boy. Especially those that we're not interested in. Its all just too stupid, but she started jumping people so we can't just sit there and let that pass. But back to the plan. First one of my sisters is going to bag her boyfriend. We already have people by her house. We have people by the other house that she goes to. All it is, is just a matter of time. This is going to end I shall see to that. And the police is getting me tight because they're not doing anything. All they say is that we shouldn't do anything.... But I'm going over there today so we'll see whats going to happen. All I know is that this is "not" going to be a repeat of the summer.....

Another day of looking pt. 2

2008-10-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

Todai I was actually going to do work. I was actually hyper about the project. I was all set... Until I go to look for the CD. It was nowhere to be found... I wonder what happened to it....I bet somebody misplaced it. I know where I put it. Sadly it wasn't there when I was going to burn my CD so I had to go out and buy my own. I was cool. I was hyper again. I believe it was the music. I love my music. And then it happened. "Yo, yo son. I want you to do this for me." OMMFG! Why is it that everythime I "WANT" to do something that I need to do somebody has to bother me for something. I almost NEVER want to do anything that I have to do. And the extremely rare times that I do want to somebody HAS to bother me. It NEVER fails. I feel a nap, bath and hot chocolate is in order. Not in that exact order but all of that must happen before returning to that place of forced labor(school) tomorrow.....well in 8 minutes todai. And I got a headache.... I think I have to place notes all over the ladi of the house's room in order to remind this ladi that all doctor is in order(not that they do anything, but it'll give me something to do dealing with my headaches) Random thought..... I think my grandfather is going deaf... The T.V is always extra loud except when he's going to sleep....O.O.....But then he might just be trying to play us because everytime my friends come over all of a sudden he has the hearing of a normal person... Somebody said that he reminds them of uncle joe off of Madea. I don't think so but hey who knows. I really want some hot chocolate, but sadly i'm too lazy get my big self up and wobble to the kitchen to put some water on and then get up again about 3-5 mintues later to make it. *sigh* Being lazy can be quiet a hassle. Now I'm going to take a nap.... I'll write again when I get up.....Maybe.

Another day of looking

2008-10-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here knowing that I should be doing my project, but for some reason I feel like I can't do it. Its odd. My mother keeps telling me "do your project" over and over as if it's that easy. I think about it over and over again as if somehow me thinking about it is gonna make it any easier. Honestly this project isn't even that hard. Everything lately seems like a life obstacle. I can't seem to get into a writing mood anymore. Everything is weird. I have to find something to get hype about....Ideas?